Skyscrapers, earth movers, ground breakers.

I just had a great weekend. I want to blog about it.

Wednesday I left school early and went back to my parent's for some much needed TLC. My wisdom teeth finally need to come out and they're pressing against my other teeth, causing some of the worst pain I've felt. And it's constant. My liver's gonna hate me for the 5 ibuprofen I need to take to get the pain to stop; anything less doesn't work.
It's alright though, because they are coming out sometime this month, and I had a really nice break at my parents'.
School is extremely stressful and disheartening. I hate to use this phrase because its immature, but they're FUN SUCKERS. Honest to goodness. We're adults, goddammit. We shouldn't have to ask to go to the bathroom!

I'm excited as hell for this upcoming couple of months. I go to Orlando for the Premier Hair Show in just a week and 5 days. The Friday before is the Cold War Kids concert in Forsyth; just a block from my house! Warped Tour is in August (I keep forgetting the date :/) but I'm excited for that too.

While we're on the subject of music, listen to August Burns Red's new song. Its AMAZING.

I am not where I belong, so shine a light and guide me home.

Wow, blogging is seriously low on my to-do list. WHICH has recently grown to unbelievable lengths, even for me. Most of the things I used to do have taken the backseat to the activities I do now. I rarely have time for myself anymore, except for my ability to spend copious amounts of money on clothes I don't need OR have the space for. I'm flat broke, going to school full time, and living all by myself in the city. My dog, my bank account, and the cleanliness of my apartment are suffering because of this and part of me wants my fairy godmother to come and make it all better. The other part of me is ecstatic and (possibly) the happiest I've ever been.
School sucks up my time more than anything else right now. So much that there ISN'T really anything else. It's stressful, expensive, and a little bit tragic but I'm sticking with it for the first time in my life. Yes, till the very end (Feburary 2012). I can't very well get a job, except for the evenings and weekends. But my dog would then be alone even more than she already is. I spend about 25% of my week at school, and taking into account that I spend about 33% of the week sleeping, I only have 42% left to do what I want. I usually spend that time cutting my "friends'" hair (for free, ugh), sleeping, or spending as much time as I can with my family and friends.
My family's in the process of moving 3 hours away to Augusta, GA. 3 hours away from me. I've recently discovered that I do, in fact, love my family. A lot! And I really don't want them to move. They're my rocks. I've had an incredibly stressful 3+ months and I can't imagine going through the next 10 without them 45 minutes away. It sucks.
But part of me is thinking about making the move too. I love Savannah but I really want a change. And I can always come back. I don't know. I want to ask my aunt in Woodstock, NY if I can rent her above-the-garage apartment after I graduate, and work up there. (Auntie Lys, if you're reading this- we'll be in touch!) Or maybe I'll start fresh in Charleston or hell, maybe even Augusta's nice. I dont know. I've just got dreams right now.
I'm just worried that I'll never be satisfied where I am. I hate to think that wherever I go, I'll just be itching to get out. Maybe that's the good thing about being young; I'll just go wherever the hell I want.

The last few days have felt like a dream to me, and I'm hoping they'll stay that way until Kara moves out at the end of the month.
We broke up on Saturday, just a week shy of our 3 year anniversary. I'm devastated really; its the end of something that's been apart of my every day routine for 3 years. I won't have anyone to wake up to, anyone to make me breakfast, anyone for me to lay on when I'm sleepy and watching TV, or anyone to take the dog out at night when I'm too scared to. I know this won't be true forever but I can't get past the feeling that the whole world is crashing down. In a strange way though, I'm okay. I'm okay with the fact that it ended the way that it did. I'm okay that Kara just came out and said "I don't love you anymore" because I'd rather her be honest.

Now, just so we're clear, I'm not hurt. No one should feel bad because I was hurt. I'm not. I'm disappointed that we've only lived in this apartment for 3 months and I've got to start looking for a new one. I'm sad that its all over. I'm frustrated that I'm stuck in this city without anyone anymore. But I'm not hurt. I'm looking at this opportunity as something I could benefit from. I'm excited to be Catie instead of Kara and Catie.

Maybe I'll move somewhere out of state.
I don't know yet for sure, but all I know is that I'm excited for the future.
This more than anything has made me realize that.

I have the world at my fingertips.

Its strange to think that a week ago today, right about now, I was landing in the Corning, New York airport to visit my family. Christmas was just two days away and we were all very excited. The day before, I had said goodbye to my apartment and my dog as we brought her to the kennel. I was thrilled nonetheless, and anticipating finally having a white Christmas.
Well, that all came and went and I'm back home again. My dad dropped me off about an hour ago after going out to dinner with me and unpacking my things. The apartments still a mess, but I'll deal with that tomorrow. I need to get a job, but I'll deal with that tomorrow too. My dog ate one of my small Dove chocolate candies I left out, so I'm watching her like a hawk. I couldn't be mad at her. I missed her more than anything really. She's truly (wo)man's best friend for me.
I think she's the reason I was so excited to get back to this mess of a home. I'm alone, I have so much cleaning to do...I don't have a job and I think I missed the deadline for the final application for the college I'm starting at. I'm not resentful, angry, or sinking into this deep, dark depression or anything, but I am lonely here. I guess sitting here now, I've realized that as much as I wanted to get to my apartment and be on my own and get away from my loud crazy family, I didn't think about how fucking quiet it is here at night. Even with my little buddy Hopie, I hate it and it drives me crazy. I wish I was still with my family, in their warm house with cable and anything I could want. The two times I turned down Emily when she asked if I wanted to play Super Mario Brothers, I wish I could go over now and play. Even if it was just Claire, lounging around eating honey mustard flavored pretzels and using up my Netflix subscription, it would still be better than this emptiness I've got here.
I just want tonight to be over. Everything's better when its daytime, I guess.

All and all though, I had a very good Christmas. New York was great. It was snowing and you could hardly be outside for more than an hour, but I liked seeing my family. Even my immediate one; I can't remember the last time I had so much fun with them. Hahaha, I wish I had a video of my dad sledding down the hill at Carter's School. It was hilarious.
I always comment every year on how unexcited I get for Christmas nowadays. It gets less and less every year, but lo and behold, every Christmas morning still feels like it was better than year prior. A complete 360, I know, but there's something about waking up early and opening all the crap your parents got you, then eagerly waiting for them to open what you got them. Then eating the candy you got in your stocking all day until dinner, and fiddling with your new gifts. I'll always love Christmas. I'm excited to share it with my kids too.

This year I got a laptop (which I am currently typing on), a Keureg coffee maker, lots of board games, some clothes at Marshals, a new hallway rug and living room lamp for the apartment (which got me more excited than you'd think), Vera Wang's Princess Perfume, the book Never Let Me Go by Kazuo Ishiguro, beautiful earrings and a watch from my grandma, rain boots from Claire, and this awesome ring-earring set from Emily. Oh, and some great smelling soap from my mom's store. If I forgot anything, I'll let you know.

New years is tomorrow. So far I'm planning to be alone.
I wish someone would change that.

I'm gonna go take out the fart-machine.
Till next time :)

I haven't blogged in a very long time. I've become pretty involved with Tumblr, I'm ashamed to admit. I've also been working a lot and just generally living life. I'm loving it.
I lost my job well...tomorrow technically. They told me on the 2nd though. I'm going job hunting again tomorrow, probably at a Parkers or something. I can only work until the 21st because I'm going to NY for a week :) I'm really super excited. I haven't been on a vacation in 2 years.
Since I last wrote, a lot has happened. The most dear to my heart is my dog Hope I've adopted. She's the cutest thing. This is a picture of Kara and her this morning:
I am so happy and...blessed (as cheesy as that sounds) to wake up to those two cuties in the morning. It makes me really happy with myself. Sometimes I feel really useless and lazy; I'm not in college and now I don't have a job, but when I really think about it, I'm proud of myself too.
Its a weird feeling to explain and I'm not going to try to.

I'm going to make some Ramen.
peeeeace.

Savannah has bewildered me since living here. Quite possibly the most eye-opening, is the way I’ve realized that lots of people are copies of someone else. For example, I work with like 3 Davis Ruplingers. Maybe it’s the state of mind I’ve developed over my 18 years living on Hilton Head but certain people who were to unique and fascinating, are suddenly…not. The tattoo I wanted a year ago isn’t so cool anymore after seeing it on like, 2 hipster chicks a day. I know none of this really matters in the long run, but I think about it on a deeper level; it makes me want to stand out.
At work today, I didn’t have tattoos, I wasn’t as skinny, and my sunglasses weren’t as big as some of the bitches walking in, but at least I dressed myself this morning. Karen O or some editor in Nylon didn’t tell me what to wear. And it’s so ironic too, because this place where everyone’s artistic and everyone’s “different,” it’s almost like they looked at someone and said “I want to be that”. Like when “emo” happened. Their whole scene was based on being an individual, but they really just looked like the person standing next to them. You could make action figures out of them.
I guess where I’m going with all this is, I’d rather not fit into the buttoned, high-waisted skirt from Civvies that is sooo cute if it means that no one even looks at me on the way to work.

Maybe tomorrow, the good lord will take you awayy.

I hate who you are now. You're stupid and full to the BRIM of shit. I dont like you and I hope we never have the displeasure of talking ever again.

Phew. Now that thats over with; I had a great night. I got to hang out with 2 very fun chicks and got to see some peeps I haven't in a while. My dad and I got to talk too, which was pretty depressing. He works at with a taxi service now midnight-6 and the job totally sucks. He doesnt even work half the time. Part of me wants to send his resume into companies and get him a job again. The other part of me want to slap him in the face and tell him to stop being so poor and pitiful. He's blaming it all on Obama. Go figure.

I just now realized, sitting here, that my ears are STILL ringing from Wednesday night at the House of Tunes. Idk if thats normal or not, but I'm sick of it. I want it to stop.

Two weeks and one day until Savannah move-in :) yesssssssss.
one week and one day until Warped and Six Flags. SO excited.

Is that you chokin'? Or are you just jokin'?

Kara and I's new coffee table and side table is supposed to come today. It probably won't come until late afternoon though, because a majority of packages I get don't come until then. I hope they're not made out of paper, or like, Barbie sized. The side table was only $8.
I hate money.
Which is kind-of ironic because I just tracked a dollar on WheresGeorge.com. It's only been to GA and AL. And my tip jar, of course. I almost want to drive up to NY or over to CA and give it to someone, so it gets more history. Then again, I would partly be doing that for myself too. So people would know that the last person with this dollar has connections with California or New York. I'm a strange one, I know.

My mom and I got into the biggest, stupidest fight this morning. She was pissed that I wanted to mount the TV over a beautiful fireplace in our new apartment, and she told me that if I did, she'd never give me any money in my trust-fund. I thought it was a cruel joke but quickly realized it wasn't, and the fight escalated. She basically told me it's my fault she's applying for food stamps and can't pay insurance, even though I GIVE her money weekly for gas and other things. Don't get me wrong, she drives me places and gives me a place to live, so its the least I can do. But honestly, I'm sick of bearing the burden of her and my dad's mistakes financially. If she didn't plan on dealing with these things, why did she have children? It's baffling.
It did feel pretty cool to throw a wad of $1's at her, and watch them fall around her. I can now officially say I made it rain! :D

Kara, my dad, my two sisters, and I went to see the apartment for the 2nd time this Sunday. It was really fun hang out with my dad because I think he's been pretty depressed lately. He got a job a Yellow Taxi from 12-6am, so he barely has time to sleep or relax. He liked the apartment a lot and I think he's genuinely excited for us, which makes me even more excited.

The red arrow is to the living room of the apartment. From those two bay windows, it basically shot-guns back through the kitchen, hallway/bathroom, then to the bedroom. The yellow arrow is our front door, and the blue arrow is (I think) our landlord Charlie doing the renovations on it. As you can see, it still needs to be painted all white and fixed up a little. It will definitely be ready on August 1st though, when we will move in our furniture and sign the lease. Just 2 weeks and 3 days :) Yay.

Really interesting dream last night.
Making me think.

I am the end of the world.

Its so entertaining to watch people fall apart right in front of my eyes. Sometimes, like in the particular one I'm thinking of, I want to destroy their world. Just rock it to the core and make them be who they used to be. I want to tell their parents and get them in so much trouble, they never do acid or meth or anything again. I feel, honestly, personally insulted that they could stand in front of me and talk so much shit about Ronie, then be like "Yeah, I'm with Ronie" 4 hours later. I feel betrayed? almost. Because this someone's girlfriend shouldn't be concerned about Ronie, but her girlfriend in fact. Girlfriend's the one sneaking around when she's at work doing, I don't know, meth? Whatever.
The other side of me is so happy. It makes me angry when (ex)friends of mine do something that doesn't fit in with my crazy, selfish view of how my life should be, but a lot of the time it makes me happy. It makes me feel good that they're actually bad people and I am SO GLAD we're moving to Savannah. I can make decent friends who don't care about acid or drinking or sucking dicks, and everything isn't the end of the world when it takes 2 seconds to fix. I think this might be my #2 reason for my anticipation for Savannah. #1 is my gurl. Who I love very much. Baby, I am so glad we're out of high school.
I honestly think that graduation changed me. I feel better about myself with every decision I make, penny I earn, and person I make happy. I feel like an adult finally, more than my 18th birthday ever could. I'm budgeting and saving money, and thinking about the future FOR REAL for the first time ever. The apartment we've been dreaming finally has an address and beige walls. It's amazing. Its going to be a good, no, great life.

I'm loving Attack Attack!'s new album, which is going thru the speakers this very second. "Smokahontas", in fact. Great stuff. So is We Came as Romans. I can't believe I've gone so long not listening to them. I just assumed they were bad. I don't know why.
This reminds me of Badlyn, which reminds me of how I have to look at the lineup for Warped 2010. He's a good friend :) Kara and I get to go to Warped this year! Which will be awesome.

1. Attack Attack
2. Andrew W.K.
3. Four Year Strong
4. I Can Make A Mess Like Nobodys Business
5. Reel Big Fish
and
6. Set Your Goals

are all must see's for me. I dont know about anyone else, but this year kinda stinks. Last year I had twice that many bands I wanted to see. I guess it's okay though because these are six bands I REALLY want to see. I mean REALLY. Ha, looking through my old list, I dont know why the heck I put TV/TV on there. They suck.

Attack Attack! is going to be sooooo gooooooood. And I won't hit my head again, I promise.

Hooray! :)

I dont need a number, I just want to dance with my shirt off.

Its 10:06 and I got off work at Pier One half-an-hour ago. This is my last week there. I've taken a job at a sketchy surf shop on the south end to hopefully get some cash before September.
I want to sand down a dresser I've received from an old roomate and make it beautiful and white to match my other furniture. Excuse me, "our" other furniture :)
You see, in 2 months and 13 days, the love of my life and I are moving in together, officially, to an apartment in Savannah, GA. I am unbelievably excited and I have the feeling it's too good to be true. I feel like I'm going to wake up suddenly and be back in high school (even though I've only been out for 2 weeks). I'm afraid that something will go terribly wrong and the apartment will get bombed or closed for toxic waste exposure. I have never felt this good in my life about anything. This is what I've always wanted, in a perfect apartment, in the perfect city, with the perfect partner in crime- who is madly in love with me, but not even close to how much I love her. Our bunny Alice, chinchilla Frippy, and hamster Max are all coming. We're going to be a family.

It's going to be hard, but so worth it :)
Ah. I'll try to keep this more updated as the days go by. I'm upset with myself on how much I've let this go.
Whatevz.

Swallow your pride because silence is golden, and I wouldn't pay a penny to hear your thoughts.

Its funny how things work. Its funny how you're gone and I'm happy, and you're back and I'm just alright. Maybe I was wrong everything I said to my therapist. Maybe this isn't the right place for me. But a new question poses; what is? I've yet to find a place where I'm 100% comfortable, happy, and loved. Maybe I'll need to make my own home for that. Maybe I'll need to move far away and rent an apartment, and furnish it myself. Find a new meaning to "home is where the heart is".
See, that saying is tricky because I'm the type of person to leave my heart everywhere. Its in the decorations of my room, my hamster, my smells, every stain on the sink and food that's bought for me. It's in my dog because all 5 of us picked him out. I'm in every decision that someone stops and thinks about because I've made some sort of impact on them. It's my heart. It's just the way I am, and the way I'm always going to be. This is not my home though. Neither was with my parents (I don't think). Theres no real way to tell.
I guess that apartment in Savannah will just be the test. I mean, I'm going there regardless, but maybe that will be my home. Maybe we'll (yes, WE'll) be comfortable there, more so than we've ever been before. Maybe it's just what I'm looking for. Some people spend their whole lives waiting to get out of high school and the bullshit of being a kid, so I'm praying to heaven that I'm one of those people, because I swear I can't live like this. I don't want to feel like this for all of my life. I just want to be fucking happy. I'm so close I can taste it.
By the way, I love you, Kara Marie Jones.
That apartment is calling our name :)

My ears are blown to bits from all the rifle hits, but I still crave that sound.

It's incredible what a good night's sleep will do for you. Or maybe other factors play in, but still.
This is what I was going to post here last night:

I'm sick. I'm sick and tired. I'm shaking. I'm sick of a whole lot of things. I'm sick of working every day of the weekend. I'm sick of stealing everything and risking going to jail for it, but still managing to be broke. I'm sick of making more new enemies than friends these days. I'm sick of being angry at people rather than happy, and I'm sick of finding the bad in people rather than good. I'm sick of Home Bound and walking alone in the hallways. I'm sick of people letting mental illnesses as an excuse, an letting it define them. "Sorry, I'm ADHD! I can't help it!". Yes you can, just stop yelling. I'm sick of always being in a daze and not realizing what I'm doing until I want to be doing something else. I'm sick of YOU and your lying. I'm sick of his lies being believed by the one person I want validation from the most. I miss sleeping alone. I miss my dog and my sisters. I miss Cape Cod chips and being shopped for. I'm sick of feeling like this. I'm feeling like sticking someone in the face.

Well, that seems like forever ago now. I feel better. Just 12 short hours and I feel much better. I've got the new Vampire Weekend pumping through my earphones that need replacing, and I'm really hungry. Other then that I'm great. I'm excited for this afternoon and all the calm and happiness that comes from it. You were right when you said that everything's okay, and that was the first time I've felt like that in a long time. I've been perfectly happy otherwise. You were right when you said that if things were different, I'd be feeling like that almost every day. That's true. That's what makes it hurt even worse. Its a little crack in my perfect snow globe of a world now.
I like where I am. And honestly, fuck what you've heard. You were lied to. I know the "lots of things being said" and all about them, and they're 95% untrue. There's no cult or kidnapping or rash decisions. There's no neglect or crossfire or lack of communication. I know who thinks so but there's not much I can do about that. It's going to be like that forever, and I've just learned to know better. And I like it. I like the way I'm learning. I seem to be making some good decisions that are creating the progress I think is best for me. I think I learn better this way. I don't care what you think, I'll deal with it myself.

Oh, by the way I want to kill you.
Not really, but you better watch your back.

I can't seem to keep myself occupied in this class. I always finish things too early and just spend the rest of the time doing nothing. I want to go home. I want to stay home. This is such a waste of time.

I had a really great weekend, apart from 2 pretty major things. I miss Kara. Grounding is a terrible, cruel punishment to give to kids. I think it's ridiculous.
I just want my Kara back :(
Hate to say it though, what was done to receive the punishment was a blast. That was a really good night. I wish I had made better decisions though. Maybe just one in particular. Oh well.

I don't know how I've been feeling lately. I go through a lot of changes. Sometimes I'm good and sometimes I'm bad, and sometimes that's a good thing and sometimes that's a bad thing. I'm happy though. I really am.

I guess class is over. This is kinda pointless.

I hate you.

Anything to make you smile, it is my better side of you to admire.

It's been a merry, merry Christmas. Just a great December in general. Lots of memories and things to take note of, but never regret or want back. I've seriously learned so much. Even in 2009 in general. It's been a crazy year.
I can't even begin to recollect where I was this time last year. I remember my favorite gift was these blue boots that I was obsessed with, and I couldn't wait for Kara to come home from California to show them to her. I liked how I was then, but I like this better. I like the decisions I make and I like the way I think about things. I don't know. I just know that I'll never forget 2009.

ANYWAY things have been great. I'm on a path, a good one. I'm feeling comfortable, clear, and honest. I'm happy. And I love every horrible, painful, intolerable thing we've gone through because it was all worth it. The way we are when we're together and even the way we are when we're alone, it's nice. I love it just the way it is.
I'm ready for 2010, when more days will be like yesterday and more feelings will be like the one I've had for a week. I'm in love :) again!

This is for Kara, because we missed it when we were getting popcorn.

If you're such a poet, use your tongue and show it.

I kinda wish I could plunge myself into this lifestyle you've made for yourself. But without everyone laughing at me behind my back. Always forgetting what I did the day before and never really having a plan or a promising future, and that's not a stab at you. Just go crazy, have a night where my thoughts dont control what I do. Make new friends.

I got back from Charleston a day ago. I want to go back, more than anything. I think I was made for a city, where you walk around everywhere. Its in my stride; I was walking just as fast as all the business people on their cellphones, and darting across the street with no problem at all. The new coat I got will never get worn here, it's too fashionable and expensive. It's disappointing. I want out of this shit-hole.
I mean, this trip seriously changed me. I cleaned my room and hung up all my clothes for the first time in...years. I've rearranged my room to look completely different. This fantasy world that I can live in; this little bubble in the middle of my real life. I want to live by myself in Charleston or New York. And study and cook and socialize and shop. I feel like no one really gets that.
Ah, my plans for the 28th. They've all hopelessly fallen through, which makes me so upset. I want to 1) to have a little bit more of Charleston time and 2) to see that show. All of my concert experiences have been let-downs. Warped, Siversun Pickups...Just saying. But Band of Horses is amazing. I'd love to see them live. I hope something works out.

I don't like the way this is going already. Maybe its too soon to tell. Or maybe it's in too deep. I'm terrified.



Goodnight, all.

Motion City Soundtrack, This Providence, Set Your Goals, and The Swellers February 6th :D

woo.

This is all I have! Its my life.

Yesterday I made series of decisions that have greatly affected my life, and frankly, I'm proud of them. I made them myself without anyone else's help. I hope things have taken a turn for the better.

Yeah, well, you weren't exactly Prince(ss?) Charming either.

"floppy data"

Ms. Graybill is yammering. I don't understand how teachers like her and my 2nd block teacher have jobs and people like Ms. Lines and Ms. Williams don't. No one learns from them, and the youth's minds are actually being hindered by people like them. I mean, I was shaking with anger last block at the "authority" thrown in front of me. It's not fair. A lot of things are not fair.
It's not fair that a mother is losing her child because she doesn't want to face the music. It's not fair that I've been left hanging for 72 hours when all I want are a few words. Even a short "fuck you" would suffice. I know I don't deserve much but I do deserve that.

I don't want to be in school right now, probably like a majority of kids here. But it's a lot for me and I feel incredibly overwhelmed. Today hasn't been too great at all. First was okay but second was awful, despite the relief of having you there.

I'm talking to my aunt about moving to NY with her after school. Really.