Must be one of those days where i got the shakes that just can't shook.

You didn't fail your biology final and I'm so glad everything okay. I'm stupid and pretty ridiculous sometimes, so I'm sorry. I take back everything I said. I love you more than anything.

I'm really happy with my life right now. Reel Big Fish tomorrow and I couldn't be more excited.
This weekend is going to be a blast, I can already tell.
(Knock on wood).

:)
<3

You ask me why I "hate this family so much"? Let's think. My home is not where my heart is. My home is where I'm happy, which is far far away from here. There is no sanctuary here. I don't feel safe, I don't feel loved. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells and constantly having to watch what I say. When I get into Cody's or Blake's or Kara's mom's car, I sit back and relax and realize that I had just been gritting my teeth the entire time. I'm not happy. I don't feel included or accepted and I don't have this everlasting love and attachment anymore. I don't see you as a heroine anymore, as someone who can do nothing wrong anymore. I see you as a liar and a bitch, who is thinking constantly of ways to ruin my fun. And no, I'm not exaggerating or being stupid. I'm done with trying to see things your way or at least understanding your side of the story. Because there is no story. Your problems and failures in life are being thrown onto me. But guess what? That's ruined our relationship. I have no one to vent to, to cry to, to channel any other emotion to anymore. I can't trust you with anything, anything. You'll tell your precious walking partner and come back with a bunch of shitty examples about her daughter, and how I'm the abnormal one. Well, fuck you. I can't wait to fucking get out of here. I've given you chances. This isn't a question of me being a "liar" or a "failure" or a "bad kid" for drinking or doing drugs, it's your inability to be happy. You're unable to be truly happy, so you create situations to control and manipulate for fun. Fuck.

In the daylight we can hitchhike to Maine, I hope that someday I’ll see without these frames.

This sweatshirt smells like you and it's the perfect thing for how I feel right now. Today was great but now no one's home and I'm scared of kidnappers and the dark, and frankly, I'm lonely. Everything today flew by so quickly. 15 hours ago I was taking a test in Algebra 2 and now I'm here. Sleep, shower, coffee, school, 1st block, test, half of 2nd block, funeral, Anna's, Davis's I-pod is really good, Mangiamo's, Melanie's, home, Planet Smoothie, beach, Bridget, Frosty, Squires Gate, B&N, somewhere else, home, Nick and Norah, burglary, home. Here.
I wish what happened to her didn't. She didn't deserve it. I can't think of anyone who does, but when things like that happen to people like her, it makes be believe even less in god. I don't even know whether to capitalize the "g" anymore or not. They used to teach us in elementary school to ALWAYS capitalize "g" and "h" in "him" when talking about it. I don't even care anymore.
I hung out with someone I haven't in a long time. It was really nice and I would like to do it again, but maybe just a sleep over with me and her. I miss the way things were sometimes. I don't want to go back to it but I just miss those days. I get sad and nostalgic thinking about it sometimes, but doesn't everyone about some time in their life? Whatever.
I'm not saying I'm not happy. I'm SO happy. It's shameful how happy I am. I love my life, and I love a certain person in it. Next year is my (our) senior year, and after that is our life together and I can't wait to get it all started. It's been 16 months and a week, that's more than 500 days and every day I find something new to love about her. She's always surprising me and giving me something to smile about; making me laugh and grin and giggle, and my heart beat faster and my stomach fill up with butterflies. It's crazy. I feel selfish and undeserving when I think about it, but who cares? I fucking love it. I'm never giving up this feeling for anything and I know we're going to have the brightest future any two people can ever have. We're different. I don't care what anyone says. They're just all jealous and probably a little bit scared, but you know what? I'm a little scared too. My life has never been this hopeful before. I've lost all hope in most people in my life because some people are not worth the effort. It's not worth trying to change them. But this is good for me. She's the love of my life; nothing can ever get as good as things are with her :)

Alright I'm done with this.
I need sleep.

Take this sinking boat and point it home.

I think it would be fun to be a zookeeper or a lightning chaser when I got old enough. I've always wanted to be a teacher too. I think that's the most practical profession for me. Maybe I'll just take my kids to the zoo yearly on a feild trip, and make them do science experiments on lightning.
I just got thinking about my future and getting out of this damn house. There was a storm today and I liked how pretty the lightning looked. And we just got my puppy back from the kennel, so I got to thinking about how much I love animals. I want my future to start. I hate school, I hate this island. I want to get out. I'm so antsy.
My mom knows something that I don't know. She keeps making comments. She comes and finds me around the house to tell me something pointless; just little attacks I don't care about. I wish I knew what it was about, but I don't. She says "Obviously you don't care about your schooling..." and I want to say back "Well, if you're okay with that, I'm okay with that". Because I am. I'd probably be better off without her freaking out on me all the time. It stresses me out.

Last time I wrote I was leaving on a trip. I got back yesterday and it honestly, not even eggagerating was the worst vacation of my life. THE WORST. I don't even feel like going into detail but I hated every second of it. Nothing was right and nothing made me smile or happy. I just wanted to go home. But I'm home now and I'm very happy.

I have my first day of work at PacSun in the mall on Friday. I hope it doesn't suck.

I'm going to sleeeeeeep.
Night!

And if this is heaven, I'm gonna give hell.

So, my mom just came in and caught me on Facebook IM. She yelled at me like she did when I was 12 and she found my Myspace. She said that come Sept. 3rd (my 18th birthday), she's making me pay to use the computer. She said it completely seriously. In 12 hours We're going for her birthday to go and watch a couple of fucking horses run around in circles. It takes about 20 seconds but we're leaving 2 days early. We're going to be gone for 4. I'm missing my girlfriend and I's first prom together, Relay for Life, 4 tests in school, American Pie, and all the other fun things my friends are doing.
I haven't felt this low in such a long time. I hate the fact that this is happening. I don't want to fucking go. After all the shit she's put me through. When we get back, I'm not her kid anymore. Not if she's going to call me a failure, get my dad to yell at me, make me pay for the internet, make me HATE my life. No.

I don't want to leave. I want to see Kara again before I go, but she's home. I want a lot of stuff.

I need to go pack.

Some people need to learn who to trust, and that the rumor wasn't started by who they think it was.

Alright, Bye.

Take the map and point to anywhere.

I haven't updated this in a long, long time. Spring Break has come and passed. It was great. I loved it. My grandparents loved Kara, like I knew they would, and I had an amazing time hanging with her by ourselves for 5 days. The things I likes most were the little things. Like being able to sleep with Kara every night (not sexually) as long as the door was open. And taking a bike ride. And watching her play video games. And discovering Samoa ice cream and Amy's veggie pocket things. Annddd Kara letting me shove a camera in her face every time the light caught her perfectly, and I wanted to take a picture of her. She's the perfect subject. She's the most beautiful girl I have ever seen. Anyway, it was all very nice. I wish it lasted longer, but it was great none the less.

Sometimes I wish I could talk to my mom the way I do in my mind. It seems like things have gotten really tough with her lately. I doubt it's just me though. I want to ask her Why do you walk through the house from your room to the kitchen to upstairs, and get everyone pissed off at you? Does your throat ever get sore from the shrill, screaming tone you have it in all the time? Do you ever stop to think that maybe you're a Narcissist? How does it feel that my day is ruined by you constantly? I spend 100% of my time trying to get away from you. How does that feel? Arg. Moms.

I like the weekends. I've been sick and kinda bummed all week, so I've been praying for a good weekend to lift my spirits. And this one started off nice. I don't know what I was sick with but I felt like I could die. No joke. It was hell and I couldn't wait to get rid of it. After sleeping on my desk all 1st block, sleeping in the nurse 2nd block, sleeping with my arms propping me up 3rd block, and trying to sleep on Kara 4th block, I finially started feeling better a little after school. It's a relief. Tomorrow Kara, Alex, my little sister and I are going to the Humane Society. I'm really excited.

Not too much else has been happening lately, so I think I'm going to end this for now. I'll try to come up with something interesting to write about for next time.
<3

I can't wait

to get the hell out of here.
I'm leaving for Kiawah tomorrow afternoon,
and I'm so excited :)