Anything to make you smile, it is my better side of you to admire.

It's been a merry, merry Christmas. Just a great December in general. Lots of memories and things to take note of, but never regret or want back. I've seriously learned so much. Even in 2009 in general. It's been a crazy year.
I can't even begin to recollect where I was this time last year. I remember my favorite gift was these blue boots that I was obsessed with, and I couldn't wait for Kara to come home from California to show them to her. I liked how I was then, but I like this better. I like the decisions I make and I like the way I think about things. I don't know. I just know that I'll never forget 2009.

ANYWAY things have been great. I'm on a path, a good one. I'm feeling comfortable, clear, and honest. I'm happy. And I love every horrible, painful, intolerable thing we've gone through because it was all worth it. The way we are when we're together and even the way we are when we're alone, it's nice. I love it just the way it is.
I'm ready for 2010, when more days will be like yesterday and more feelings will be like the one I've had for a week. I'm in love :) again!

This is for Kara, because we missed it when we were getting popcorn.

If you're such a poet, use your tongue and show it.

I kinda wish I could plunge myself into this lifestyle you've made for yourself. But without everyone laughing at me behind my back. Always forgetting what I did the day before and never really having a plan or a promising future, and that's not a stab at you. Just go crazy, have a night where my thoughts dont control what I do. Make new friends.

I got back from Charleston a day ago. I want to go back, more than anything. I think I was made for a city, where you walk around everywhere. Its in my stride; I was walking just as fast as all the business people on their cellphones, and darting across the street with no problem at all. The new coat I got will never get worn here, it's too fashionable and expensive. It's disappointing. I want out of this shit-hole.
I mean, this trip seriously changed me. I cleaned my room and hung up all my clothes for the first time in...years. I've rearranged my room to look completely different. This fantasy world that I can live in; this little bubble in the middle of my real life. I want to live by myself in Charleston or New York. And study and cook and socialize and shop. I feel like no one really gets that.
Ah, my plans for the 28th. They've all hopelessly fallen through, which makes me so upset. I want to 1) to have a little bit more of Charleston time and 2) to see that show. All of my concert experiences have been let-downs. Warped, Siversun Pickups...Just saying. But Band of Horses is amazing. I'd love to see them live. I hope something works out.

I don't like the way this is going already. Maybe its too soon to tell. Or maybe it's in too deep. I'm terrified.



Goodnight, all.

Motion City Soundtrack, This Providence, Set Your Goals, and The Swellers February 6th :D

woo.

This is all I have! Its my life.

Yesterday I made series of decisions that have greatly affected my life, and frankly, I'm proud of them. I made them myself without anyone else's help. I hope things have taken a turn for the better.

Yeah, well, you weren't exactly Prince(ss?) Charming either.

"floppy data"

Ms. Graybill is yammering. I don't understand how teachers like her and my 2nd block teacher have jobs and people like Ms. Lines and Ms. Williams don't. No one learns from them, and the youth's minds are actually being hindered by people like them. I mean, I was shaking with anger last block at the "authority" thrown in front of me. It's not fair. A lot of things are not fair.
It's not fair that a mother is losing her child because she doesn't want to face the music. It's not fair that I've been left hanging for 72 hours when all I want are a few words. Even a short "fuck you" would suffice. I know I don't deserve much but I do deserve that.

I don't want to be in school right now, probably like a majority of kids here. But it's a lot for me and I feel incredibly overwhelmed. Today hasn't been too great at all. First was okay but second was awful, despite the relief of having you there.

I'm talking to my aunt about moving to NY with her after school. Really.

See what I've done. That bridge is on fire, going back to where I've been.

With just a few words, everything's turned topsy-turvy and nothing's the same. I keep thinking "at least...at least...at least...". I don't know what to think about it all.

There are reminders everywhere and I think a reinvention is in order.
I need something; a new haircut, new clothes, new furniture- something.

“Baby, I know you’ve got all those crazy, lofty goals. Going to art school and following your dreams and whatnot.

Blah, blah, blah… Just throw it to the side; you know I can support us all on my own. And, worst case, I’ll just have to sell some drugs to my little brother’s friends. If you do have to sell your body once or twice… or seven times, it’ll be worth it. And trust me, one day my band is going to make it and this will all be just a distant, distant dream.”

i love Say Anything.
i love this. This is nice. Sitting in this bed, its ten-twentyfive in the morning.
its all good.

I'm done. I don't want to blog, I don't want to write, I don't want to talk, I don't want to fucking think about anything anymore. I don't want to keep beating myself up for every little thing, thinking that I'm alone in this. That no one understands me. I can't even do my homework, my mind is always racing.
I feel like this pathetic, hopeless mess. Yet, I feel like my situation is completely common and thousands of people are going through worse. I'm selfish, and don't say I'm not. I'm done.
I don't want emotion, I don't want all of this. It's not worth it. I'm so fucking done.

Suppose I kept on singing love songs just to break my own fall.

Does anyone know what it feels like to feel the color running out of your face? Like, when people say "oh, you're as pale as a ghost" or something. Is it possible to feel that happen? Well, I think so. I've been feeling it a lot lately. I'm erupting with a lot of feelings I don't necessarily want. I don't know why anyone would. To learn from this? I guess. I've learned a whole, whole lot. Enough to change? I don't know.
A recent string of activities have caused me to look a lot to the future and think. I've been thinking a lot about baby names, which doesnt really mean anything because I DONT want kids right now and I'll probably end up changing my mind before I do. The weird thing is, a lot of them start with 'P'- Piper, Peter if its a boy. I still haven't really signed up for Americorps yet and I know I really should. In my head I just want to do it. Just get it fucking done with. I've also been looking at the courses at USC. I dont think I can get in though. My SAT scores are the only thing I have going for me.
It reminds me a lot of in The Devil Wears Prada the movie, Andy is talking about how her personal life is hanging by a thread. And Nigel says "Join the club. ... that means its time for a promotion". That's an awful comparison, but I'm doing so well in school. I have close to a 90 average. And I keep getting those stupid stars on my locker at work. I guess they're not so stupid because they're for good things I do.
I don't know what I want. I guess now I'm seeing the direct purpose of "life". That "life" that everyone's always talking about. I've never really, truly known until now. I hate it.

Ahh, "i am sweeping that girl off her feet when i come home". I think thats the cutest thing I've heard all week. I'm so jealous :/

I'm sick of you already.

Time to clean.

Sky is burning but at least we're warm.

I'm waiting for my CD to burn and I feel like blogging. I work today, which I hate. I had plans.

Last night was incredible, as low-key and relaxed as it was. It just felt amazing to be out.

Rogue Wave is great. I love the rain.

Thats all I have to say.

When love lets you go you only want love more, even when love wasn't what you were looking for.

I'm so mad that I can't find any Danny Fujikawa songs to download. I'm also upset with 4 different people at once. Two for the same kinda reason, one for a related reason, and one for a reason unrelated to the two others all together. And then there's me. So 5.
You and you: fuck you, seriously. 1- you're disgusting and 2- you had no right to do that.
Same for you: kiss my ass. I don't care what you think.
You: it's pointless to even try anymore. I miss the way it used to be.
And me: I don't even know where to start.

What a ridiculous night. But thank you, and you know who you are.

I'm listening to "Nineteen" by Tegan and Sara. I want to be nineteen, and lucky for me, I will be by this time next year. I will have been for almost 3 months. I wonder what I'll be doing.
I can get my license in 6 days...but that makes it a Saturday, so I'll have to wait 2 more days. I can't express my excitement. Freedom. At least a little.

I'm going to bed.

What have I done?

You had your chance.

I'm sick of this, there's no point anymore. The reason I did all of this in the first place is irrelevant, I still haven't returned to the normal Catie. I still haven't regained my life back. It feels completely useless to even try anymore, you've still got your hold on me. Maybe you're always going to.
You say you hate to be alone and you hate feeling like this, but what about me? All I can tell you is that "I'm sorry", but you never really ask why. I'm sorry you've become so dependent on me that even your own happiness depends on what I can do for you. I'm sorry that you've managed to completely shut out everyone but me from your life, and now you wonder why you don't have anyone. It's because you never picked up anyone's phone calls because you were talking to me or busy with me. You know what? That's fine, whatever. I guess that was the polite thing to do at the time. But you better make damn sure that I'm happy and I'm always going to be there for you before you do that. If you're going to make my life miserable and drive me away, you better make sure you have a back up plan.
You're in charge of your own happiness, and for a long time I didn't realize that. It wasn't until about a month ago that I did. So in an attempt to regain some happiness for myself, I told you the truth and what I really wanted to do. And I did it, but you just don't quite understand. I want to be myself and I want to do what I want. Call me selfish or call me wrong but I just want to do what I want to. Freedom. Whatever you want to call it. I want to be able to hang out with someone without question. Without being on edge all the time, wondering when I was going to be interrupted and have to stay on the phone for an hour, as if that hour was a reflection of my love for you. It always had to be more then an hour. I want to be able to go out with my family and make mistakes for myself, I don't need you riding on my coattails.
Sure, I've changed but don't you think I'm fucking allowed to? I'm 18 years old. I dont want my fate sealed anymore. Especially not with this.
I want to be myself. I want my own life. I want you to stop blaming me for your unhappiness because I never blamed you for mine. 2 fucking months I was driven crazy by it, but now I'm attempting to gain control and it's getting really difficult.
So do what you need to do, but don't you dare get in my way.

17 days.

Thousands of eyes live in our walls. And now they can see just what we've done.

So yes, I'm going to blog about this. I feel like it. I mean, the whole idea of this is to do what I want, to do whats best for me, and I want to blog.
I want to be happy and I want to feel numb at the same time. I want to feel so numb that I am happy. Maybe thats the problem. I'm actually hoping thats the problem.

This makes no sense,
and this is so stupid.
Who blogs about shit like this? ha.
I do.

Goodnight.

And we would laugh, laugh till we cry. Making a song, making me lie.

I'm on a huge KOL/Pearl Jam/Yeah Yeah Yeahs/The American Analog Set/Regina Spektor binge. I refuse to listen to anything else.
The Silversun Pickups & Cage the Elephant concert is in 3 and a half days and I'm so unbelievably excited. Words can't even say. I hope I have enough money. I forgot the number to call if I need to check my credit card balance. I WOULD program in into my phone but I got that taken away weeks ago, it seems. I know it wasn't "weeks". Maybe just 2. But who knows.
I want it back. I feel bad for people who have been trying to reach me, like Jose who I really wanted to see. But I really can't get in touch with him. Whatever. I have my own things to worry about that take top priority.

I don't know what I'm doing. You make me weak; I'm powerless around you.

I dyed my hair for the first time in a loooong while. I want to change, for more than just the physical aspect. I want to change myself. Not that I'm unhappy, because I'm the happiest I've been in such a freaking long time. But just so I can look in the mirror and not see the same old Catie. Maybe that's why I was so obsessed with it 8th-11th grade. I wanted to see something different with myself. No matter what was going on around me, I would look different, therefore being perceived differently.

October 7: SSPU+Cage the Elephant
October 10: SAT
October 16: Where the Wild Things Are
October 26-30: Charleston? I hope.
October 31: Favorite holiday :)

It's going to be a great month.

Dont need no surgery, take those knives away from me. Just want to die in my own body. A ghost just needs a home.

I'm 18, in love, and breathing. What more could I ask for? I could ask for some Chinese food. A car. More than 1 night allowed out a week. A pet cat. More clothes. More money. More time.
I'm in a slump.
I need a trip for 5 days or so. With you.
Not the stupid Disney camping trip my family wants to take in December. Gag me.

I'm also asking for whoever reads this to give me a list of some good music to download. I'm in a slump with that too. Maybe thats just what I need. Something to listen to. To relax with.
I guess we'll see.

More later.

Feeling spaced, breathing out Listerine.

I'm scared. I keep hearing voices but I know everyones asleep. Putting that into words on the screen scares me even more. I don't know what it is. I don't know how to explain it. I want it to stop.
First week of school is over. 34 more to go. That doesn't seem so bad. I can make it.
I think my heart is going to stop. I'm fucking scared out of my mind.

Wake up and read this before morning,
and call me.

I need to talk to someone.
Not something I hear that isn't really there.
Not someone who stops in the middle to go attend to something else. That makes me even more scared to be here by myself.

Okay,
Goodnight.

Keep breathing, keep searching.

Well, this is it. My final year of high school begins in 11 hours. I turn 18 in 2 weeks and 3 days. Things are finally happening. I'm feeling pretty great. Thinking a lot. I have a lot of stuff to do; stuff to get straight. Stuff to decide. It feels so strange. I feel like I've been looking forward to this time in my life since I turned 13. At the same time, it's all come at once. I don't know if I'm ready. I don't know if I want it to be here it all. It's all so real.
I'm not ready. I'm NOT ready.

But I need to be. I don't think I'm going to sleep tonight.

When I look in your eyes, what am I supposed to do?

I'm in Maine. It's cold and foggy and I don't get cell phone service very well. I like being with my family; relaxing, thinking. I'd much rather be with you though. I miss the heat that I've spent a majority of the summer complaining about. I want to go back to this time last week, and make you hide away in my suitcase so you'd be here with me. I want you to see all this. It's beautiful. But I miss you more then you ever know. I hear it raining, but maybe the sound is just in my mind. I am the goddess of weather, you know. I change it to my emotions. Today fits. I can't wait to come home. You have the most beautiful smile I've ever seen. Really. No paid model could ever compete with you. I want to hold you again. It feels like it's been years. Not good. I'm lonely. My grandma's lipstick greased kisses are nothing to yours. And it's cold. I need you to warm me up. You don't even have to be physically close to me to do that. I have 8 more days of this, until I can see you again. I can't wait.
I mean, this is nice.
But you're nicer.

A moment of silence, please, for those who never get the chance.

I'm leaving for 2 weeks in 4 days.
I don't want to leave. I tried making a deal with my mom, but I'm still gonna go. She's promised me a lot of things though, so I'm not letting her ignore that. I'm not letting her ruin my next 4 days either. I don't care if it's my sister's birthday. I'm enjoying myself.
Wow, I'm selfish.

I want a car. I want to pick you up. I don't know how I'll see you today.
Maybe I can get a ride or something.

I'm in love with the band Foreign Born. I've been listening to them almost constantly since yesterday. Along with Streetlight Manifesto. I'm trying to figure out the song that I fell to, but sadly I don't remember much of that moment. I wish I could take it back. Whatever.

I decided that I'm going to convince my mom to let me text on this trip. That way I can keep in contact with people a little better. I think that's why I hate family vacations so much. I don't want to miss anything. And I feel like I won't be able to...protect you? I know that's not it. But I think that's the best way to put it into words.

I hate myself. I'm a stupid, bad friend. I can't believe I did that. It's not your fault by any means. I'm an adult, I can make my own decisions. And boy, did I. I made one that fucked it up for everyone. For Cody, for your mom, and you. As much as you say it didn't, it did. So much money was wasted. Fucking $2249 was spent on me in one day, and that's not counting all the useless stuff we bought at the show. I don't even want to be reminded of it. I lied when I said I really wanted to have a tee-shirt. I was just hoping you'd stay and salvage what's left of the day; of the summer. I'm so fucking stupid. I've never, ever felt this low in my life. I will never forgive myself and I'll never live this down. I really hate myself right now. It's scary.
I'm leaving in 5 days for a two week vacation with my family, and I thought that maybe things would be okay if I had Warped to think of. To be like "Well, it's okay that I'm here because Warped was so fun, and my best friends had a good time". God, I'm so stupid. And no one even cared to check up on me. Stupid Melanie couldn't even pick up her phone when I was in the medical tent. All I wanted was for her to come and say "hi" before I left. I was excited for her to be there. But no.
Now it's 5 days of hanging around before I'm gone for 2 weeks. 2 weeks of having to expain to my relatives how it happened, and my mom cackling over me. This was supposed to be the best summer ever. My last real summer of high school.
I had been looking forward to that the whole time. ALL FUCKING SUMMER. That was our thing. We didn't go on any trips. We barely broke into the list of things we wanted to this year. Warped was one of the things. I don't even think it's worth it to cross it off the list. We waited in line longer then we were there. I hate this.
I need to get out of here.
I don't think this is a funny story I can tell people when I grow up. This isn't something we'll laugh about later. This isn't something that I've learned a lesson from. Yeah, I've learned that I'm a stupid, selfish, compulsive, awful friend.
$2249, a hospital trip, 5 hours there, 5 hours back, Warped tour tickets, 2 1/2 hours standing in line, not to mention all the worrying and effort...all wasted on me. fuck.

I wish you would call me.
Maybe I'll just call you. No. It's early.

I won't.
I've ruined enough things already.
I don't want to make you stop dreaming just to listen to me.

I want Moe's.

Tonight was really, really fun.
I can't wait for tomorrow.

Hm,
okay. Bye.

Enjoy your worries, you may never have them again.

I'm tired. This is probably going to get deleted by tomorrow.

I've been thinking.

I need to stop thinking that I'm smarter then everyone else.
I really want to get my haircut by Kara's cousin before Warped, but I don't think she wants to. I'll pay her and all but I don't know.
I'm so excited for Warped. I just wish we could stay somewhere over night. Why does there have to be the ghetto?
I really wish I went to prom this year. I think I wouldn't resent my mom as much. I feel like she owes me. Maybe I can convince her that she owes me 5 days in Maine with my girlfriend. Right now she's set on "no".
I want to go to Sonic tomorrow with Jessica, Haley, Kaeyanta, and Kara. I dunno. Just for something different.
You know what would be different? Hanging out with you on your birthday.

Maybe I'll just paint pottery with Kara tomorrow. That sounds really nice, actually.
I hope you know how beautiful you look. Really. I love your haircut and I love you so, so much.

I might go to sleep now.
My head is pounding.

In pastures blue and green, I'll follow you and you'll follow me.

I realized I had 69 posts,
and I was sick of looking at that, so I'm writing this.

Warped is in 10 days. I'm so incredibly excited.
I want to see
1. A Day to Remember
2. Attack Attack
3. Dance Gavin Dance
4. Forever the Sickest Kids
5. InnerPartySystem
6. Jefferee Star (just because)
7. Streetlight Manifesto
8. TV/TV
9. The AKA's
10. Saosin
11. Less Than Jake
12. He Is Legend
:)
I don't have to work until Thursday.
My mom won't let me get that kitten. That makes me angry.
Why won't you just call me?
I want to go shopping and I want a car. I have a lot of places I need to go.
I got a free pair of jeans from work yesterday. I wish it was cold enough to wear them.
I feel like biking 5 miles again today. I want to get in shape.
...
I started writing this a couple days ago.
I ordered me and Kara's Warped Tour tickets today. When I started writing this, it was 10 days away.
Now it's only 8.
Apparently Jeffree Star got into a fight at the last one though. Ha. Amazing.
I'm so excited. Like, beyond excited. Maybe even more then I was last year.
It's just me and my friends; no parents, no one to tell us that we have to go home. We can stay all night if we want to.
:D
So happy.

Today was pretty blah, and I know it was because of me. Someone will argue that it wasn't but it really was. I make things difficult and blow things out of proportion. I'm okay though. I'm ready for tomorrow. Tomorrow's going to be good. The past 2-3 days have been great, today was eh, and tomorrow will be good. I work though. Hopefully not with Charlie.
Assface.

I'm gonna go work on my EA Skate game.

YOU: thanks for calling me back.
I wish I could actually talk to you about this. I'm lame.
I want to be best friends again.

byee!

But the clouds aren't leering up and I've come reveling, burning incandescently.

Someone got some sticky shit on my computer, right on the screen. Probably my fat, obnoxious sister. She needs an attitude adjustment. I was never like that in 7th/8th grade. I have the urge to slap her across the face every time she opens her mouth, whether it's to eat or make a stupid comment. Which is ALL THE TIME. When she's not eating, she's talking.
She had two breakfasts today.

What terrible weather. I just realized that I don't know how to spell "weather". Thank you, spell check.
I like this weather though. It gives me an excuse to lay around and be lazy in the mornings. I spent 2 hours laying there an listening to music today, before I decided to get on the computer and see if anything's happened...which nothing has.
I found my aunt and uncle on Facebook. They're like, 40. And I added them despite what my brain was telling me.

This morning hasn't been so great. I want to get out of this house. I want to do something we haven't done all summer. Something different.

I get paid tomorrow and the very first thing I'm doing is ordering my Warped Tour ticket. Or maybe that will be my 2nd or 3rd, because I really want this top from Loose Lucy's. And I want a kitten. I need someone to sell me a kitten without caring that I'm not 18 yet.

Last night, jumping in that pool was probably the most favorite thing I've done all summer. Or maybe 3rd or 4th favorite. It was spontaneous. I had control over it but I did it on an impulse. I like thinking like that. I haven't thought like that in a while.

I wish you would call me back. It's been an hour. I don't think you've been in the shower that long.
Ha, wow. I'm such a stalker.
I'm gonna go lay (lie?) down.

I really don't want to think about those things anymore.

I want to adopt a baby kitten and keep it in my room until it gets older and my dog won't eat it. Not to copy Melanie's idea or anything. Really. I just want a cat because they're cuddly and sometimes more affectionate than dogs. Plus they're super cute. My mom and sister are allergic to cats though, and don't care enough to maybe take some pills or try to develop an immunity to it. Whatever. Maybe I'll get one when I get older.

Speaking of you, thanks a lot. Thank you so much. I really needed you last night, and I really try. I was hoping that you'd come and help me. I thought I could count on you.
Someone told me once to keep trying to call you, and it's my fault we're not close anymore because I'm never there when you call. They said that I should try really hard and that you really want me to be a friend. That's shit. I believed them and I keep trying to call. But I give up. No more calling. Not for a while.
It seems like theres more effort put into your Facebook videos than being my friend.
But I don't care anymore.

I want to take a photography class at The Center of Photography at Woodstock. I want to ask Cody and Kara if they would come up and do one with me. Kara isn't really into photography like Cody and I, but I believe that she'd be really good at it. She's the most creative person I know and always does well in things she just...picks up.
I need to ask for time off of work though. But I'm thinking about quitting anyway. I hate my boss. Daniel's isn't calling me back. Maybe I'll just be unemployed for a while. Or maybe I'll just keep the job. I don't know.

I am so incredibly excited for Warped this year. I can't even stand it. I want to go on a trip so bad. Maybe I'll suggest a trip to Savannah sometime this week. But I work. Meh.
A change of scenery is very, very needed right now.

I'm gonna go.

Where is Saipan?

I just looked up things to do in AmeriCorps when I finally graduate high school this time next year. And Saipan is one of the places I have the option to be stationed. I have no idea where that is though.
I'll be going to CofC though for a year first, to wait for my girlfriend to get done with high school. I'm perfectly okay with that. I've always wanted to live in Charleston. It's my favorite place in the "south". I don't know if Florida is considered the real "south" though. I know it's south on the map, but is it really considered the "south"? I don't know...
The last couple days have been rough. I've been doubting myself a lot lately. Not anyone else, just me. I don't think I'm who I want to be, and I've gone too long being this person and it's too late to change. I'll get over it. I just... I don't know.

I miss the random trips to Beaufort, Barnes and Noble, La Ha, Burger King, and wherever else we felt like going to. I miss webcam videos and epic youtube episodes. I miss gossiping and having someone else to talk to. I miss blasting music and speeding down the road with all the windows down. I miss steering from the passenger's seat when the driver was texting. I miss tanning by the pool. I miss laughing my ass off. I miss not being able to sleep because the TV was still on The N and the fan was going. I miss looking through Itunes and making myself a CD because you have the best taste in music. I miss borrowing your clothes because you have the best taste in that too.
And I can't help but thinking that what happened wouldn't have if I were there. But maybe that's just because I'm full of myself.

I just hope you're happy.
Both of you.

I said who are you? Don't matter who you are. So we dance all night and dance all day, I say.

What a great junior year. I'm very satisfied with it. I got my permit, a job, my grades were alright. I'm not a total failure. I still have my amazing girlfriend. Things are good. I'm living.
Summer has been great. I wish I didn't have to work so much, but I'm earning money and my social life isn't totally dead, so I'm happy. I think I might have a sunburn though which sucks. I wish Melanie would invite me over to tan at her house like we did last summer. I haven't spoken to her in weeks. (If you're reading this, call me!)
I miss her.

I don't know what else to write about, but this was just an update. I'm excited to see what the rest of the summer holds.
:)

I want to go to heaven for the weather, but hell for the company.

I'm so tired I can't sleep, and it sucks. My mom wanted to smell my breath when I got home. My dad's drunk off his ass. Literally. I have to work tomorrow.
I have really good friends. There's only a handful of them nowadays, but I'm alright. Everyone else I don't even consider a friend. They're really nothing to me anymore. The days are long and it's really hot outside. Almost unbearable.
I know something else that's getting close to unbearable. I'm not doing it next weekend.

I'm going to force myself to sleep now.

Must be one of those days where i got the shakes that just can't shook.

You didn't fail your biology final and I'm so glad everything okay. I'm stupid and pretty ridiculous sometimes, so I'm sorry. I take back everything I said. I love you more than anything.

I'm really happy with my life right now. Reel Big Fish tomorrow and I couldn't be more excited.
This weekend is going to be a blast, I can already tell.
(Knock on wood).

:)
<3

You ask me why I "hate this family so much"? Let's think. My home is not where my heart is. My home is where I'm happy, which is far far away from here. There is no sanctuary here. I don't feel safe, I don't feel loved. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells and constantly having to watch what I say. When I get into Cody's or Blake's or Kara's mom's car, I sit back and relax and realize that I had just been gritting my teeth the entire time. I'm not happy. I don't feel included or accepted and I don't have this everlasting love and attachment anymore. I don't see you as a heroine anymore, as someone who can do nothing wrong anymore. I see you as a liar and a bitch, who is thinking constantly of ways to ruin my fun. And no, I'm not exaggerating or being stupid. I'm done with trying to see things your way or at least understanding your side of the story. Because there is no story. Your problems and failures in life are being thrown onto me. But guess what? That's ruined our relationship. I have no one to vent to, to cry to, to channel any other emotion to anymore. I can't trust you with anything, anything. You'll tell your precious walking partner and come back with a bunch of shitty examples about her daughter, and how I'm the abnormal one. Well, fuck you. I can't wait to fucking get out of here. I've given you chances. This isn't a question of me being a "liar" or a "failure" or a "bad kid" for drinking or doing drugs, it's your inability to be happy. You're unable to be truly happy, so you create situations to control and manipulate for fun. Fuck.

In the daylight we can hitchhike to Maine, I hope that someday I’ll see without these frames.

This sweatshirt smells like you and it's the perfect thing for how I feel right now. Today was great but now no one's home and I'm scared of kidnappers and the dark, and frankly, I'm lonely. Everything today flew by so quickly. 15 hours ago I was taking a test in Algebra 2 and now I'm here. Sleep, shower, coffee, school, 1st block, test, half of 2nd block, funeral, Anna's, Davis's I-pod is really good, Mangiamo's, Melanie's, home, Planet Smoothie, beach, Bridget, Frosty, Squires Gate, B&N, somewhere else, home, Nick and Norah, burglary, home. Here.
I wish what happened to her didn't. She didn't deserve it. I can't think of anyone who does, but when things like that happen to people like her, it makes be believe even less in god. I don't even know whether to capitalize the "g" anymore or not. They used to teach us in elementary school to ALWAYS capitalize "g" and "h" in "him" when talking about it. I don't even care anymore.
I hung out with someone I haven't in a long time. It was really nice and I would like to do it again, but maybe just a sleep over with me and her. I miss the way things were sometimes. I don't want to go back to it but I just miss those days. I get sad and nostalgic thinking about it sometimes, but doesn't everyone about some time in their life? Whatever.
I'm not saying I'm not happy. I'm SO happy. It's shameful how happy I am. I love my life, and I love a certain person in it. Next year is my (our) senior year, and after that is our life together and I can't wait to get it all started. It's been 16 months and a week, that's more than 500 days and every day I find something new to love about her. She's always surprising me and giving me something to smile about; making me laugh and grin and giggle, and my heart beat faster and my stomach fill up with butterflies. It's crazy. I feel selfish and undeserving when I think about it, but who cares? I fucking love it. I'm never giving up this feeling for anything and I know we're going to have the brightest future any two people can ever have. We're different. I don't care what anyone says. They're just all jealous and probably a little bit scared, but you know what? I'm a little scared too. My life has never been this hopeful before. I've lost all hope in most people in my life because some people are not worth the effort. It's not worth trying to change them. But this is good for me. She's the love of my life; nothing can ever get as good as things are with her :)

Alright I'm done with this.
I need sleep.

Take this sinking boat and point it home.

I think it would be fun to be a zookeeper or a lightning chaser when I got old enough. I've always wanted to be a teacher too. I think that's the most practical profession for me. Maybe I'll just take my kids to the zoo yearly on a feild trip, and make them do science experiments on lightning.
I just got thinking about my future and getting out of this damn house. There was a storm today and I liked how pretty the lightning looked. And we just got my puppy back from the kennel, so I got to thinking about how much I love animals. I want my future to start. I hate school, I hate this island. I want to get out. I'm so antsy.
My mom knows something that I don't know. She keeps making comments. She comes and finds me around the house to tell me something pointless; just little attacks I don't care about. I wish I knew what it was about, but I don't. She says "Obviously you don't care about your schooling..." and I want to say back "Well, if you're okay with that, I'm okay with that". Because I am. I'd probably be better off without her freaking out on me all the time. It stresses me out.

Last time I wrote I was leaving on a trip. I got back yesterday and it honestly, not even eggagerating was the worst vacation of my life. THE WORST. I don't even feel like going into detail but I hated every second of it. Nothing was right and nothing made me smile or happy. I just wanted to go home. But I'm home now and I'm very happy.

I have my first day of work at PacSun in the mall on Friday. I hope it doesn't suck.

I'm going to sleeeeeeep.
Night!

And if this is heaven, I'm gonna give hell.

So, my mom just came in and caught me on Facebook IM. She yelled at me like she did when I was 12 and she found my Myspace. She said that come Sept. 3rd (my 18th birthday), she's making me pay to use the computer. She said it completely seriously. In 12 hours We're going for her birthday to go and watch a couple of fucking horses run around in circles. It takes about 20 seconds but we're leaving 2 days early. We're going to be gone for 4. I'm missing my girlfriend and I's first prom together, Relay for Life, 4 tests in school, American Pie, and all the other fun things my friends are doing.
I haven't felt this low in such a long time. I hate the fact that this is happening. I don't want to fucking go. After all the shit she's put me through. When we get back, I'm not her kid anymore. Not if she's going to call me a failure, get my dad to yell at me, make me pay for the internet, make me HATE my life. No.

I don't want to leave. I want to see Kara again before I go, but she's home. I want a lot of stuff.

I need to go pack.

Some people need to learn who to trust, and that the rumor wasn't started by who they think it was.

Alright, Bye.

Take the map and point to anywhere.

I haven't updated this in a long, long time. Spring Break has come and passed. It was great. I loved it. My grandparents loved Kara, like I knew they would, and I had an amazing time hanging with her by ourselves for 5 days. The things I likes most were the little things. Like being able to sleep with Kara every night (not sexually) as long as the door was open. And taking a bike ride. And watching her play video games. And discovering Samoa ice cream and Amy's veggie pocket things. Annddd Kara letting me shove a camera in her face every time the light caught her perfectly, and I wanted to take a picture of her. She's the perfect subject. She's the most beautiful girl I have ever seen. Anyway, it was all very nice. I wish it lasted longer, but it was great none the less.

Sometimes I wish I could talk to my mom the way I do in my mind. It seems like things have gotten really tough with her lately. I doubt it's just me though. I want to ask her Why do you walk through the house from your room to the kitchen to upstairs, and get everyone pissed off at you? Does your throat ever get sore from the shrill, screaming tone you have it in all the time? Do you ever stop to think that maybe you're a Narcissist? How does it feel that my day is ruined by you constantly? I spend 100% of my time trying to get away from you. How does that feel? Arg. Moms.

I like the weekends. I've been sick and kinda bummed all week, so I've been praying for a good weekend to lift my spirits. And this one started off nice. I don't know what I was sick with but I felt like I could die. No joke. It was hell and I couldn't wait to get rid of it. After sleeping on my desk all 1st block, sleeping in the nurse 2nd block, sleeping with my arms propping me up 3rd block, and trying to sleep on Kara 4th block, I finially started feeling better a little after school. It's a relief. Tomorrow Kara, Alex, my little sister and I are going to the Humane Society. I'm really excited.

Not too much else has been happening lately, so I think I'm going to end this for now. I'll try to come up with something interesting to write about for next time.
<3

I can't wait

to get the hell out of here.
I'm leaving for Kiawah tomorrow afternoon,
and I'm so excited :)

'Cause, I'm on the brink of something beautiful and I want to sing about it, but I don't know where to begin.

I'm basically home alone right now because it's 12 midnight and my dad's sleeping. He didn't answer when I rang the doorbell twice, so I had to creep around the side of my house like a crazy person. I hammed it up though because I figured I would only do that a handful of times in my life. I jumped off the front porch and pause for a second, holding my purse close, and then began to tip-toe/creep/shuffle sideways in the dark to my garage. When I got to the little keypad security thing, I looked up then down, then from side to side before entering the top-secret code. I didn't even wait for the door to go up all the way. I crept under it stealthily and ran inside. It was epic.

The song "Summertime" by Mae makes me feel really nostalgic for some reason. Well, it reminds me of summer time. It goes:
"We could ride, we could ride.
Take my hand and watch the world go by.
Laugh or cry, well we need to try, get off the line, time to fly.
Oh, the summertime.

Go on ahead and let it fade away.
No looking back you know the past will stay.
It's you and me, we could get out of here.
Jump in and go and we could drive for years.
We could feel alive...

Here we are, here we are,
windows down we see a falling star.
Stop the car.
Waiting, nothing but our beating hearts, going far.
Oh, the summertime.

So feel the air, feel the air,
take the map and point to anywhere.
I don't care. Fingers through your hair,
the sky I've seen, blue and green.
Oh, the summertime."

Quite possibly my most favorite lyrics ever. I want summer to get here ASAP, but I'm alright because Spring Break is in 5 days. I'm really, really, REALLY excited. The break from school and this island is going to be perfect. And I get to bring my super amazing girlfriend along with me. I'm pretty sure that's the best part.

This weekend has been great so far. The perfect weekend. I couldn't design a better one. My mom is gone and my dad is totally chill. We saw a movie together today, just me and my dad, and the movie was awful. But we just cracked jokes the whole time. I really liked it.
The weather has managed to clear up these last two days too. I wish it would stay like this forever, but it's supposed to rain tomorrow and Monday.

I'm gonna go call Kara and make sure she's not dead.
Oh &
Gay marriage is now legal in Iowa. Hm. I've heard Iowa is nice...

Talking trash to the garbage around you.

I'm sick of liars and people who make things complicated.

And people who don't listen.

And people who stand in the way of what I want.

Maybe that makes me sound bitchy,
but I'm just really sick of it.

Don't fucking lie to me.

So my entry last night was really stupid. I wasn't really thinking right. There's been a lot of days when I've come home super happy. Maybe it was one of those things everyone talks about how it was in the old days; like how kids aren't easily entertained anymore because they're used to new TV and music and movies. I think it's that with me. I don't appreciate stuff anymore. I'm sorry if someone read this and got upset.
I didn't mean to.

It's all in the way I say what I don't mean, and mean what I don't. I need to speak of you and what is real.

The weekend has started and I'm in a pretty good mood. This week has been fairly nice. My mom is letting Kara come along with us to Kiawah Island this Spring Break. We go every year as a family, and I begged and begged for her to come this year. It's for a whole week and I didn't really want to be stuck up there without her.
But my mom said "yes" and I'm really excited. My grandparents' house is beautiful and I'm so excited to hang out with her there. I just have to bring all my grades up to at least a C, which isn't to hard because I only have 3 or so that are D's.

Prom:

These little kids yesterday yelled at me and Kara for holding hands in her neighborhood. Two of them just like, popped out from behind a car and yelled "EW! I saw you guys holding hands by the high school. You guys are so gross!" and I immedietly started screaming back at them. Maybe I was meaner then I should have, but I got really pissed when they were screaming at the high school too. They were all on this little bridge thing like "WOO! Go get her, that's riiight," and stuff. I mean, they couldn't have been older than 12 but it was really rude and uncalled for. So after they said the thing in her neighborhood, I was just screamed "FUCK YOU" and they screamed back "Ooo, good one" and I was like "How about I come over there and kick your ass! What are you, like 12?!" and then they said something else stupid and I just said "Yeah, don't talk to me until your balls drop, asshole!" and walked away, fuming. I wish they kept it going. I had so much to say to them. Anytime someone says something about me and Kara, I get really defensive. Like stupid black kids in the hall like "yo, iz dat two girlz?". UGH. Get over it!
I don't even care. I love Kara with every fiber of my being.

Right now I'm in a weird kind of mood. I'm not completely happy, but not sad. I don't really know what to do with myself. I feel like a waste of space. I feel like things are a routine and a cycle, and I want to break it. Summer was over too fast. Even though that sounds like lyrics to a pop-punk song, it's extremely true. When did this year fly by? I'm super impatient but the future freaks me out (more song lyrics). Time is killing me. I want summer to come...but I don't. I don't want my junior year to be over. I don't want to take the SAT's. I don't want to worry about my grades and college. I don't want my parents to give up on me. I want more time to bring my grades up and lose weight and actually enjoy things. I love my friends and my life, don't get me wrong. I just want to come home after a really, really good day and be like "Gosh, that was amazing". It seems like that doesn't happen too often anymore. I want a lot off stuff.
Like sleep.
So I'm going to get some.

Oh! I found this bed and I'm going to get it for my house when I'm older :D

G'Night :) <3

I'll take you to the moon; We'll fake it, we'll shake it, we'll move it all around.

Being that today was such a nice day, I thought it was time for a blog.
I just got back from the St. Patrick's Day parade. My parents aren't home, which is great, and I had such a fun time today. Definitely the best one I've been to. I thought last year's was really good, but I loved this one. A year ago during the parade, Kara and I had our first kiss. It was a really big deal. This year, I had all my friends around me. There was no confusion, no pressure to do anything, no drama, and the weather was absolutly perfect. I loved it a lot.
This whole week has been pretty nice. There were some rough spots, but I'm actually fine with it. I'm completely happy with my situation oustide of my home life. My family stuff still has kinks to work out, but things are a hell of a lot better when I have my friends to lean on. I've decided that I'm joining the Crew team next year. I'll get in shape and it will make my mom happy. She thinks I don't do anything with myself. I need to get a job soon too, but I have an Outback application that needs to be turned in. I hope I don't get too sucked up into it and lose time with my friends and stuff. I think everyone has to go through that at some point, but I just don't want to miss anything. I don't want something extraordinary to happen when I'm at work, I guess. I love the way things are right now but my parents are fed up with my laziness, as they should be to an extent. I'm about to turn 18 and I've never had a job. I just wish they wouldn't push it in the way they do.
Enough about that though, I'm way too happy to be thinking about that. I love my friends and I love my girlfriend, and I'm really just...happy right now.

I need to order my prom dress soon. I've decided I'm going, and I'm really, really excited.

I'm gonna end this though. I feel like my mind's bursting with things to talk about,
but I don't feel like writing them all down. I feel like some white pizza though.
So... I'm gonna go make some.

Stay here all night long, be strong, forget the world we're living in.

The weather is almost perfect outside, and I had a ridiculously good day at school (and afterwards :]). The weather feels like summer and it makes me want to go tanning. I'm going Friday though :D
I probaby shouldn't right much more because I have a ton of work to do. I just know that I love being home and I loved today. I know I'll love this week because I have some pretty neat-o plans. I hope I'm not wrong, but I'm sure I won't be. Thinks are good right now.

I have a Chemistry paper to write.
<3

Oh I get by with a little help from my friends, Mmm going to try with a little help from my friends

I haven't been very good at staying off the computer. I've been on almost every day since I posted my last blog.
That doesn't mean my opinion's changed about stuff. It's addictive and it's scary how easily I broke my determination. Oh well.

This week was really good. There were some rough parts, but all in all it was very good. Probably one of the best I've had in a while. I think my good mood started last week and carried on to this one, but it's hard to tell. I don't care though. I just like the state of mind I've been in for the past week, and the state of mind I am right now sitting here. I just got back from a good time with my friends; who I've come to realize are my best friends and I like them a lot.
School's been really lame lately. All my grades are up and I'm doing fine, but I have a ton of projects and papers due this month. We have no days off and Spring Break seems a long way away, but Kara's mom said something that kinda made me think today. She was like "Wow, you guys only have 3 months left of school", and I was thinking WOAH! We definitely do :) It's the first day of March right now, which is the 3rd month of the year, and I still remember New Year's like it was yesterday. Everything's flown by so fast, which means this school year will too (hopefully). I dunno, I just found it surprising because I never really thought about it. Like the way I've been putting off my Chemistry project because it wasn't due until March and that seemed like weeks away, but it's due 9 days from now and I haven't started yet.

I'm a happier person right now. I've let go of a lot of things, and I like the way I am and the way things have changed. Things are simpler and a lot more enjoyable. No time is ever wasted and nothing's really getting on my nerves anymore. Before, everything used to annoy me and I would get frustrated with everything. Now I just feel like smiling, as cheesy as that sounds. I'm just content. Let's hope it stays this way, but I really think it will. Stuff my mom says to me that would make me so upset before doesn't bother me. I just say "yeah, mom", and do what she tells me to because I don't feel like fighting. That's a really big deal for me. I stick up for myself and tell the truth. It's refreshing, and it's all managed to happen in the past 2-ish weeks.
:)
I love my girlfriend and my friends and Oscar. They're the best things that have happened to me.

I hope things stay like this for a long, long time. I feel so happy right now.

I never felt so alive without you by my side. I'm so glad I left you behind.

All the internet does is upset me. I don't think I'll be getting on very often anymore.
I don't like the people or all the time I waste on it.
All the people I want to talk to can talk to me in real life.

Until next time,
Bye! :)

ALEZ.

A RAT JUST POOPED ON KARA AND IT WAS THE BIGGEST POOP I'VE EVER SEEN COME OUT OF A RAT.

I LOVE KARA THOUGH, EVEN THOUGH ANIMALS LIKE TO DUMP ON HER :)
HAPPY BIRTHDAY ALEX!

;

I know I'm not a part of your life anymore, but that's okay. There's so many things I want to say to you but I'm afraid of losing you, but I know it won't be my fault if you're lost. I just picked a best friend who doesn't feel the same way. I'm just someone to call if everyone else is busy.
I miss being the first one you would talk to if you were bored and we would just ride around. Your're too concerned about making new friends and impressing people. But I wish I was still a part of your group because I've never laughed harder with anyone else. Honestly though, I'd rather be alone then have to put up with this. It makes me sick to my stomach because I don't have anyone else left.

I've realized that I've grown into an extraordinarily angry person. Everything makes me cry and I find problems with everything in my life. It's a terrible thing but nothing seems to make me happy anymore.
I never get what I want, as selfish as that sounds, but I feel restricted and like I'm walking on eggshells constantly.

I was told this week that I was the 2nd biggest failure in my family, in between a bi-polar cousin who attacked her mom and one of my parent's dyslexic cousins. At first I wanted to think it wasn't true but ever since it was said to me, I've concluded that it is. And I wonder what things would be like without me.
Maybe I could just run away. No one would miss me here.

This is getting really angsty and stupid now. I've just been really struggling lately.

I want to be forgotten, and I don't wanna be reminded.

Some people are so fucking stupid and it's very aggravating. I'm probably one of those stupid, stupid people, but I don't really care because at least I know it.
I want to pack up and leave and take my girlfriend with me. She's the only thing I couldn't stand to lose. I don't care about my family; I know I could meet up with my sisters later. I don't care about my "friends" because I know they don't care about me. Wednesday proved it in more ways than one. We went to Savannah last Saturday, and it was so refreshing to walk around like we were alone and...free. That sounds really gay but that's how it felt. I'm sick of school and my parents and my old friends. I just want to get the fuck out of here already, because they're the only things keeping me from being HAPPY. I'm not ever HAPPY anymore.
My mom and I got into a kinda-huge fight today. It wasn't huge as in it was epic, but it was big and meaningful. She was just hissing "WHY DO YOU NEED TO SEE HER TODAY, THIS IS WHY YOU DIDN'T WANT TO PLAY SOCCER AND WHY YOU QUIT THE PLAY. IT'S HER. YOU'RE OBSESSED". Over and over again. But seriously, maybe I am. And who fucking cares? Maybe what my mom says is right. It might seem like I don't care about anything anymore except for a few things and one person, but that's only because I've grasped on to them so tight because nothing makes me happy anymore. I find problems with everything in my life but once I'm here and left with nothing, I wish I didn't. I wish things were the way they used to be, with all my old friends and things to do.
I don't think anyone can stand each other anymore, including me.

I just want everything to change. I want everything to go back to good, or move forward to good. I don't care.

Wow, I'm really lame.

I'm so much older then I can take, and my affection, well it comes and goes.

I'm grounded on this three day weekend, and it sucks. It's already Saturday afternoon and it's not as terrible as I thought it was going to be. Yesterday I got to see Kara after school until around 5, and my youngest sister had her birthday party today. I was supposed to go and help, but the people at the gym ended up running the whole thing. So I just got to sit around and eat and jump on the trampolines. Tonight, one of my sisters is going to another birthday party and the other is going to a Girl Scout camp, so it's just me and my mom. I'm kinda happy because we haven't really hung out in a while. We're going shopping then to a movie. We haven't really been getting along lately so hopefully today will be nice. I always like just stopping and talking to my mom, because she can give pretty good advice because she's been through a lot.
This week has been...a whirlwind to say the least. Monday was really stupid, and it opened my eyes to a lot about people I know. Not in a good way. I had my first therapy session with my new therapist, and I really liked it. He's a lot smarter and realistic and understanding then my last one. Then Tuesday was awful. I had a parent/teacher confrence with my mom, dad, and 8 teachers. I don't even want to talk about it. It was terrible. The confrence is the reason I'm grounded this weekend. I have some missing assignments in a class, so my parents weren't too happy. The rest of the week was just...there. Everything just kind of dragged on and I was ready for it to be over. No one was in a good mood because it seems that no one has really been happy with anything lately.
People are breaking up, fighting, and doing illegal substances everywhere. It seems like that's all anyone does anymore. I don't like it, probably because it's everywhere I go and all everyone talks about. I'm glad none of it is happening to me, but it's happening to my friends. I hope that it's just a phase and all the people I know will be happy again. And we can have a nice, fun, sober time together.
It's like a plauge. Almost everyone I know has gotten into something I don't agree with. It probably stands out more to me because I've never done anything like that, and I don't want any of my close friends to do that. But it just seems like it's everywhere, and I'm kind of afraid that if everyone talks and does it enough, the people I have left will get sucked into it too. I really don't want that and it scares me.
I dunno, I think the weather today goes along with my mood. It rained a couple hours ago but it's still all overcast and cold. I'm sick of all the people who are fighting with their girlfriends for no reason, saving up all their money during the week so they can smoke on the weekends, and the people who don't have anything else to talk about besides stuff like that. It's driving me crazy. I want everything to be cool again.

I need to take a shower.
I'm excited to buy new panties today. I need new, more exciting ones.

Things

are really bad right now.
:/

And they don't seem like they're changing anytime soon.
I feel like throwing up.

I wish I had the guts to run away.

I could get lost in a voice like yours.

Yesterday was my favorite day of the new year, not counting New Year's Eve. I loved every part of it.
I don't know what else to write about besides that. I don't want to explain too much in case my mom reads through this again...
Not that I did anything bad that I would never tell my parents, but it was just really special to me and I really liked it. I hope the people who spent it with me know how great they are and how much they mean to me.
Wow, this is getting really gushy and stupid. But yesterday was really nice and I think I kinda needed it. I haven't been feeling too well lately and yesterday was just kind of refreshing. It made me appreciate things again and makes me confident in...living? i don't know if that makes sense, but I don't feel stupid or useless or like I'm worthless anymore. I feel like a good friend and girlfriend and that I can move on with my life, even with all this stupid stuff that's been going on lately.

Kara and I have been now going out for a year and two days,
and I really couldn't be happier. I hope we can have more days like yesterday because I can't stop thinking about it.
It's like, my mom wants me to take down the Christmas tree? That's okay because yesterday was so cool.
I love my girlfriend and my friends and good times like this weekend has been.

I need a haircut.
Maybe I'll get one after my first appointment with this new therapist tomorrow.
Bleh :/

I need to get off the computer though.

Its not who or what you know because you’re better with nothing at all.

I feel good today. Things have been weird lately, and I say "weird" because they're neither good nor bad. Well, they have good moments and bad moments. It's very hard to explain. The bad moments have multiplied recently because...I don't know. But my parents have decided that it's that time of the month to get angry at me. This happens periodically and it's always the same routine. They're like "YOU'RE STUPID AND TOO MUCH FOR US TO HANDLE, WE'RE SENDING YOU TO A PRIVATE SCHOOL SO ALL OF OUR PROBLEMS WILL BE SOLVED!" and I'm like "NO! I hate you guys I hate my life I'm going to kill myself," and my mom's like "ARGGG, MY BLOOD PRESSURE, can you make some cinnamon rolls?" and everything seems to be okay now. My mom's fine this morning, but she had a complete meltdown yesterday. Apparently her blood pressure is going to make her die soon, and it's all my fault. She went beserk in front of me and my little sisters, like literally BESERK, and got my sister's and I really upset. It was scary, but she was cool by the time I called her a couple hours later.
That brings me to the good moments I had Friday and Saturday. Friday I had school, but it was a good school day. My days at school usually depend on whether I'm looking forward to something that's happening after school is over. I definitely was excited on Friday. Melanie and Kara picked me up and we went to B&N with Gage. There we waited for Cody Y., and while we waited, we hung out with Terry and Hannah. It was fun, but we had to leave after a while. From there, I don't really remember what else we did. But it was fun. I liked Friday and I'm glad my mom let me stay out.
Saturday was cool. I wasn't allowed out until 3 for some reason, but Kara and Melanie came over because I was really upset. They couldn't stay though because it was only 1:30, and I wasn't allowed to see anyone until 3, but they came and picked me up when it was okay for me to leave. We went to Cody Y.'s band practice for me to take some pictures of them. That was soo much fun. I love the music their band plays and they're all so nice. We made pizza and took pictures and listened to them play, but we had to leave after a while because we had to get ready for the movies. So we dropped off the film at Walgreens and went back to Melanie's house. We hung there for an hour or so, then went up to Bluffton to meet Alex M., Van, Terry, Haley,Gage, Alex W., and Cody for dinner. We were going to eat at Outback, but the wait was ridiculous and everyone wanted Asian food. So we went to Kobe's. Dinner was cool and we all laughed a lot. Everything else for the rest of the night was great until about 11:30. I had to call my parents when we were coming home, and they said I had to go right home when we got there. I managed to push it until 12, but it was still pretty lame. I had a lot of fun all day but I hope next weekend is better.


Kara and I's one year anniversary is on Friday. Terry was super nice and gave a toast to us for it. It made me blush, but Terry is a good friend and that was really nice of him to do. For Friday, I wish I was creative enough to plan something fun and unique, but I'm not. I think we're just going to my house and watching the sunset. But come on, that's so typical and cliche. I want to come up with something that commemorates and shows her how much she means to me. Maybe I'll think of something, but I'm still really looking forward to Friday.

I've got to end this.
I have more important things to do.

'Cuz I've seen it before and I don't care anymore.

So, I feel like I'm about to throw up. Today was not good. This year started out so great, and it's slowly but steadily going downhill. I found out a lot of things in the past 2 days. For one, school is starting on Monday and it's 10pm on Saturday. This break was nice around Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday but other then that, it was one of the worst vacations I've had in a while. I missed Kara a lot and I cried a couple times because everything seemed so overwhelming, but I made it through that. She finally came home on Wednesday and New Year's and the day after were so much fun. My mom was bugging the shit out of me, but it didn't really matter after she got back. I was just glad to have her there with me.
Friday was cool, but my mom told me something that really really bothers me. I have a trust-fund that my grandpa has kept for me since I was born. There's a lot of money in there, I don't know how much exactly, but they put in a certain amount of money each month. My mom told me yesterday that he's stopped putting in money for the past couple months because my grades are so bad. I don't care that the money isn't going in there; I have more then enough to get me into college. I just don't like that my grandpa felt the need to do that to me. He stopped putting money into my cousin's fund when she went nuts and tried to kill her parents a couple years ago. They sent her off to this rehab thing like on that show Brat Camp, and she got held back in high school for it. She wasn't doing well to begin with, especially because she was skipping school and doing drugs all over the place, but it wasn't until after she got back did they cut the funds. So great, I'm grouped in with the psycho, bi-polar 20 year old in my grandpa's eyes. My mom made me feel so bad about that. Like that there was no hope for me and I was being shunned from my family. I got over it though and tried to have fun for the rest of the day.
Today really made me lose it. Kara came over because we hadn't been alone since she got back from Cali. It was supposed to be really nice; we were just gonna sit around and watch movies like we used to. I was really excited and even came home early from Melanie's house just to hang out with her. Everything was cool until we started getting call after call after call from someone. She already said that morning that she couldn't hang out with this person today, but they still felt the need to fucking call every ten minutes. They called at the worst times and they were always interrupting something. She even turned off her phone, but they called again in the first five minutes it was back on. It was so stupid because we were both getting so upset, so I finally picked up before Kara was about to leave. I ended up getting hung up on, and I kept bawling until a long time after Kara left. It wasn't that I got hung up on, or they kept interrupting the good time I was having with my girlfriend, or that my girlfriend got more upset then I have ever seen her; it's just the way things were handled. I was called rude for asking what the hell they wanted, and it was made out like I did something wrong.

I'm done. I have a science project to do.

So sway, you know you taste so good.

Woo! First blog of 2009. How weird.
So the past 2 days have been so good. I went camping with my family but yesterday after I got back, I jumped in the shower quickly and went to Melanie's to pick up Karaaaa! Because she's home now and I am so so happy about it. So we went to her house and picked her up, and went to Fiesta Fresh for food and the party store to get decorations for Mel's party that night. It was New Year's, so yeah. They didn't have any decorations left because they were sold out since it was New Year's Eve Day and all. But it was cool because Melanie ended up making some pretty sweet signs out of lined paper.
So, we went back to Melanie's and sat around waiting for people to get there. We got home around 6 and the party wasn't supposed to start until 8, but some people came early and it was a lot of fun.
The party was great. I loved every second of it. Except for when my mom called and decided to check in on us (wtf?), but it was cool because after seeing how chill it was, she trusts me now. I spent the whole night next to Kara, just chilling and talking to people. It was a really nice time and I hope to have more nights like that before the break is over.
Around 3 is when everyone cleared out, so we cleaned her dad's house and went over to my place. My parents let Kara and Melanie sleep over, so we slept in the trailer we took camping. It was fun, but I didn't really get to sleep until I moved from the queen bed where Melanie and Kara were sleeping to one of the bunk beds. I was really uncomfortable. Kara came and layed with me when she woke up though, and we layed there for almost an hour waiting for Melanie to wake up. That was my 2nd favorite part of the past 2 days.
We didn't get out of the house until around 3 because there was a cookout at Jarvis Creek Park they were invited to. It was fun because I guess they're annual, but I've never been able to make it to one. It was soooo cold though.
We met up with Blake and Alex there, and it was really nice because I thought one of them hated me. I won't say which one, but it doesn't really matter anyway. I don't think they do anymore...?
So we went to I-hop to eat, but they were closed. Then to Street Meet but they were closed. Everything was freakin' closed for the new year, but I liked what we ended up doing instead. Melanie, Kara, and I stopped by Publix to get spaghetti fixings and went to my house to cook. Melanie left in the middle of it, but it was still pretty fun. It was just chill.
I'm really happy with how the last 48 hours have gone. Theres only 3 more days left of break and I hope they're worth-while. I'm sure they will be though since I have my girl and my best friend back here with me, and things are really good right now.
2008 was a ridiculous year. I loved a lot of it, but there's a lot of things I would like to forget.
I just hope 2009 is as memorable. I guess we'll have to see :)

I'm gonna go. My little sisters reserved 5 cupcakes from a batch they made today just for me, and I plan on eating them all tonight.
Ugh, I'm such a pig.