"floppy data"

Ms. Graybill is yammering. I don't understand how teachers like her and my 2nd block teacher have jobs and people like Ms. Lines and Ms. Williams don't. No one learns from them, and the youth's minds are actually being hindered by people like them. I mean, I was shaking with anger last block at the "authority" thrown in front of me. It's not fair. A lot of things are not fair.
It's not fair that a mother is losing her child because she doesn't want to face the music. It's not fair that I've been left hanging for 72 hours when all I want are a few words. Even a short "fuck you" would suffice. I know I don't deserve much but I do deserve that.

I don't want to be in school right now, probably like a majority of kids here. But it's a lot for me and I feel incredibly overwhelmed. Today hasn't been too great at all. First was okay but second was awful, despite the relief of having you there.

I'm talking to my aunt about moving to NY with her after school. Really.

See what I've done. That bridge is on fire, going back to where I've been.

With just a few words, everything's turned topsy-turvy and nothing's the same. I keep thinking "at least...at least...at least...". I don't know what to think about it all.

There are reminders everywhere and I think a reinvention is in order.
I need something; a new haircut, new clothes, new furniture- something.

“Baby, I know you’ve got all those crazy, lofty goals. Going to art school and following your dreams and whatnot.

Blah, blah, blah… Just throw it to the side; you know I can support us all on my own. And, worst case, I’ll just have to sell some drugs to my little brother’s friends. If you do have to sell your body once or twice… or seven times, it’ll be worth it. And trust me, one day my band is going to make it and this will all be just a distant, distant dream.”

i love Say Anything.
i love this. This is nice. Sitting in this bed, its ten-twentyfive in the morning.
its all good.

I'm done. I don't want to blog, I don't want to write, I don't want to talk, I don't want to fucking think about anything anymore. I don't want to keep beating myself up for every little thing, thinking that I'm alone in this. That no one understands me. I can't even do my homework, my mind is always racing.
I feel like this pathetic, hopeless mess. Yet, I feel like my situation is completely common and thousands of people are going through worse. I'm selfish, and don't say I'm not. I'm done.
I don't want emotion, I don't want all of this. It's not worth it. I'm so fucking done.

Suppose I kept on singing love songs just to break my own fall.

Does anyone know what it feels like to feel the color running out of your face? Like, when people say "oh, you're as pale as a ghost" or something. Is it possible to feel that happen? Well, I think so. I've been feeling it a lot lately. I'm erupting with a lot of feelings I don't necessarily want. I don't know why anyone would. To learn from this? I guess. I've learned a whole, whole lot. Enough to change? I don't know.
A recent string of activities have caused me to look a lot to the future and think. I've been thinking a lot about baby names, which doesnt really mean anything because I DONT want kids right now and I'll probably end up changing my mind before I do. The weird thing is, a lot of them start with 'P'- Piper, Peter if its a boy. I still haven't really signed up for Americorps yet and I know I really should. In my head I just want to do it. Just get it fucking done with. I've also been looking at the courses at USC. I dont think I can get in though. My SAT scores are the only thing I have going for me.
It reminds me a lot of in The Devil Wears Prada the movie, Andy is talking about how her personal life is hanging by a thread. And Nigel says "Join the club. ... that means its time for a promotion". That's an awful comparison, but I'm doing so well in school. I have close to a 90 average. And I keep getting those stupid stars on my locker at work. I guess they're not so stupid because they're for good things I do.
I don't know what I want. I guess now I'm seeing the direct purpose of "life". That "life" that everyone's always talking about. I've never really, truly known until now. I hate it.

Ahh, "i am sweeping that girl off her feet when i come home". I think thats the cutest thing I've heard all week. I'm so jealous :/

I'm sick of you already.

Time to clean.

Sky is burning but at least we're warm.

I'm waiting for my CD to burn and I feel like blogging. I work today, which I hate. I had plans.

Last night was incredible, as low-key and relaxed as it was. It just felt amazing to be out.

Rogue Wave is great. I love the rain.

Thats all I have to say.

When love lets you go you only want love more, even when love wasn't what you were looking for.

I'm so mad that I can't find any Danny Fujikawa songs to download. I'm also upset with 4 different people at once. Two for the same kinda reason, one for a related reason, and one for a reason unrelated to the two others all together. And then there's me. So 5.
You and you: fuck you, seriously. 1- you're disgusting and 2- you had no right to do that.
Same for you: kiss my ass. I don't care what you think.
You: it's pointless to even try anymore. I miss the way it used to be.
And me: I don't even know where to start.

What a ridiculous night. But thank you, and you know who you are.

I'm listening to "Nineteen" by Tegan and Sara. I want to be nineteen, and lucky for me, I will be by this time next year. I will have been for almost 3 months. I wonder what I'll be doing.
I can get my license in 6 days...but that makes it a Saturday, so I'll have to wait 2 more days. I can't express my excitement. Freedom. At least a little.

I'm going to bed.