Its strange to think that a week ago today, right about now, I was landing in the Corning, New York airport to visit my family. Christmas was just two days away and we were all very excited. The day before, I had said goodbye to my apartment and my dog as we brought her to the kennel. I was thrilled nonetheless, and anticipating finally having a white Christmas.
Well, that all came and went and I'm back home again. My dad dropped me off about an hour ago after going out to dinner with me and unpacking my things. The apartments still a mess, but I'll deal with that tomorrow. I need to get a job, but I'll deal with that tomorrow too. My dog ate one of my small Dove chocolate candies I left out, so I'm watching her like a hawk. I couldn't be mad at her. I missed her more than anything really. She's truly (wo)man's best friend for me.
I think she's the reason I was so excited to get back to this mess of a home. I'm alone, I have so much cleaning to do...I don't have a job and I think I missed the deadline for the final application for the college I'm starting at. I'm not resentful, angry, or sinking into this deep, dark depression or anything, but I am lonely here. I guess sitting here now, I've realized that as much as I wanted to get to my apartment and be on my own and get away from my loud crazy family, I didn't think about how fucking quiet it is here at night. Even with my little buddy Hopie, I hate it and it drives me crazy. I wish I was still with my family, in their warm house with cable and anything I could want. The two times I turned down Emily when she asked if I wanted to play Super Mario Brothers, I wish I could go over now and play. Even if it was just Claire, lounging around eating honey mustard flavored pretzels and using up my Netflix subscription, it would still be better than this emptiness I've got here.
I just want tonight to be over. Everything's better when its daytime, I guess.

All and all though, I had a very good Christmas. New York was great. It was snowing and you could hardly be outside for more than an hour, but I liked seeing my family. Even my immediate one; I can't remember the last time I had so much fun with them. Hahaha, I wish I had a video of my dad sledding down the hill at Carter's School. It was hilarious.
I always comment every year on how unexcited I get for Christmas nowadays. It gets less and less every year, but lo and behold, every Christmas morning still feels like it was better than year prior. A complete 360, I know, but there's something about waking up early and opening all the crap your parents got you, then eagerly waiting for them to open what you got them. Then eating the candy you got in your stocking all day until dinner, and fiddling with your new gifts. I'll always love Christmas. I'm excited to share it with my kids too.

This year I got a laptop (which I am currently typing on), a Keureg coffee maker, lots of board games, some clothes at Marshals, a new hallway rug and living room lamp for the apartment (which got me more excited than you'd think), Vera Wang's Princess Perfume, the book Never Let Me Go by Kazuo Ishiguro, beautiful earrings and a watch from my grandma, rain boots from Claire, and this awesome ring-earring set from Emily. Oh, and some great smelling soap from my mom's store. If I forgot anything, I'll let you know.

New years is tomorrow. So far I'm planning to be alone.
I wish someone would change that.

I'm gonna go take out the fart-machine.
Till next time :)

I haven't blogged in a very long time. I've become pretty involved with Tumblr, I'm ashamed to admit. I've also been working a lot and just generally living life. I'm loving it.
I lost my job well...tomorrow technically. They told me on the 2nd though. I'm going job hunting again tomorrow, probably at a Parkers or something. I can only work until the 21st because I'm going to NY for a week :) I'm really super excited. I haven't been on a vacation in 2 years.
Since I last wrote, a lot has happened. The most dear to my heart is my dog Hope I've adopted. She's the cutest thing. This is a picture of Kara and her this morning:
I am so happy and...blessed (as cheesy as that sounds) to wake up to those two cuties in the morning. It makes me really happy with myself. Sometimes I feel really useless and lazy; I'm not in college and now I don't have a job, but when I really think about it, I'm proud of myself too.
Its a weird feeling to explain and I'm not going to try to.

I'm going to make some Ramen.
peeeeace.

Savannah has bewildered me since living here. Quite possibly the most eye-opening, is the way I’ve realized that lots of people are copies of someone else. For example, I work with like 3 Davis Ruplingers. Maybe it’s the state of mind I’ve developed over my 18 years living on Hilton Head but certain people who were to unique and fascinating, are suddenly…not. The tattoo I wanted a year ago isn’t so cool anymore after seeing it on like, 2 hipster chicks a day. I know none of this really matters in the long run, but I think about it on a deeper level; it makes me want to stand out.
At work today, I didn’t have tattoos, I wasn’t as skinny, and my sunglasses weren’t as big as some of the bitches walking in, but at least I dressed myself this morning. Karen O or some editor in Nylon didn’t tell me what to wear. And it’s so ironic too, because this place where everyone’s artistic and everyone’s “different,” it’s almost like they looked at someone and said “I want to be that”. Like when “emo” happened. Their whole scene was based on being an individual, but they really just looked like the person standing next to them. You could make action figures out of them.
I guess where I’m going with all this is, I’d rather not fit into the buttoned, high-waisted skirt from Civvies that is sooo cute if it means that no one even looks at me on the way to work.

Maybe tomorrow, the good lord will take you awayy.

I hate who you are now. You're stupid and full to the BRIM of shit. I dont like you and I hope we never have the displeasure of talking ever again.

Phew. Now that thats over with; I had a great night. I got to hang out with 2 very fun chicks and got to see some peeps I haven't in a while. My dad and I got to talk too, which was pretty depressing. He works at with a taxi service now midnight-6 and the job totally sucks. He doesnt even work half the time. Part of me wants to send his resume into companies and get him a job again. The other part of me want to slap him in the face and tell him to stop being so poor and pitiful. He's blaming it all on Obama. Go figure.

I just now realized, sitting here, that my ears are STILL ringing from Wednesday night at the House of Tunes. Idk if thats normal or not, but I'm sick of it. I want it to stop.

Two weeks and one day until Savannah move-in :) yesssssssss.
one week and one day until Warped and Six Flags. SO excited.

Is that you chokin'? Or are you just jokin'?

Kara and I's new coffee table and side table is supposed to come today. It probably won't come until late afternoon though, because a majority of packages I get don't come until then. I hope they're not made out of paper, or like, Barbie sized. The side table was only $8.
I hate money.
Which is kind-of ironic because I just tracked a dollar on WheresGeorge.com. It's only been to GA and AL. And my tip jar, of course. I almost want to drive up to NY or over to CA and give it to someone, so it gets more history. Then again, I would partly be doing that for myself too. So people would know that the last person with this dollar has connections with California or New York. I'm a strange one, I know.

My mom and I got into the biggest, stupidest fight this morning. She was pissed that I wanted to mount the TV over a beautiful fireplace in our new apartment, and she told me that if I did, she'd never give me any money in my trust-fund. I thought it was a cruel joke but quickly realized it wasn't, and the fight escalated. She basically told me it's my fault she's applying for food stamps and can't pay insurance, even though I GIVE her money weekly for gas and other things. Don't get me wrong, she drives me places and gives me a place to live, so its the least I can do. But honestly, I'm sick of bearing the burden of her and my dad's mistakes financially. If she didn't plan on dealing with these things, why did she have children? It's baffling.
It did feel pretty cool to throw a wad of $1's at her, and watch them fall around her. I can now officially say I made it rain! :D

Kara, my dad, my two sisters, and I went to see the apartment for the 2nd time this Sunday. It was really fun hang out with my dad because I think he's been pretty depressed lately. He got a job a Yellow Taxi from 12-6am, so he barely has time to sleep or relax. He liked the apartment a lot and I think he's genuinely excited for us, which makes me even more excited.

The red arrow is to the living room of the apartment. From those two bay windows, it basically shot-guns back through the kitchen, hallway/bathroom, then to the bedroom. The yellow arrow is our front door, and the blue arrow is (I think) our landlord Charlie doing the renovations on it. As you can see, it still needs to be painted all white and fixed up a little. It will definitely be ready on August 1st though, when we will move in our furniture and sign the lease. Just 2 weeks and 3 days :) Yay.

Really interesting dream last night.
Making me think.

I am the end of the world.

Its so entertaining to watch people fall apart right in front of my eyes. Sometimes, like in the particular one I'm thinking of, I want to destroy their world. Just rock it to the core and make them be who they used to be. I want to tell their parents and get them in so much trouble, they never do acid or meth or anything again. I feel, honestly, personally insulted that they could stand in front of me and talk so much shit about Ronie, then be like "Yeah, I'm with Ronie" 4 hours later. I feel betrayed? almost. Because this someone's girlfriend shouldn't be concerned about Ronie, but her girlfriend in fact. Girlfriend's the one sneaking around when she's at work doing, I don't know, meth? Whatever.
The other side of me is so happy. It makes me angry when (ex)friends of mine do something that doesn't fit in with my crazy, selfish view of how my life should be, but a lot of the time it makes me happy. It makes me feel good that they're actually bad people and I am SO GLAD we're moving to Savannah. I can make decent friends who don't care about acid or drinking or sucking dicks, and everything isn't the end of the world when it takes 2 seconds to fix. I think this might be my #2 reason for my anticipation for Savannah. #1 is my gurl. Who I love very much. Baby, I am so glad we're out of high school.
I honestly think that graduation changed me. I feel better about myself with every decision I make, penny I earn, and person I make happy. I feel like an adult finally, more than my 18th birthday ever could. I'm budgeting and saving money, and thinking about the future FOR REAL for the first time ever. The apartment we've been dreaming finally has an address and beige walls. It's amazing. Its going to be a good, no, great life.

I'm loving Attack Attack!'s new album, which is going thru the speakers this very second. "Smokahontas", in fact. Great stuff. So is We Came as Romans. I can't believe I've gone so long not listening to them. I just assumed they were bad. I don't know why.
This reminds me of Badlyn, which reminds me of how I have to look at the lineup for Warped 2010. He's a good friend :) Kara and I get to go to Warped this year! Which will be awesome.

1. Attack Attack
2. Andrew W.K.
3. Four Year Strong
4. I Can Make A Mess Like Nobodys Business
5. Reel Big Fish
and
6. Set Your Goals

are all must see's for me. I dont know about anyone else, but this year kinda stinks. Last year I had twice that many bands I wanted to see. I guess it's okay though because these are six bands I REALLY want to see. I mean REALLY. Ha, looking through my old list, I dont know why the heck I put TV/TV on there. They suck.

Attack Attack! is going to be sooooo gooooooood. And I won't hit my head again, I promise.

Hooray! :)

I dont need a number, I just want to dance with my shirt off.

Its 10:06 and I got off work at Pier One half-an-hour ago. This is my last week there. I've taken a job at a sketchy surf shop on the south end to hopefully get some cash before September.
I want to sand down a dresser I've received from an old roomate and make it beautiful and white to match my other furniture. Excuse me, "our" other furniture :)
You see, in 2 months and 13 days, the love of my life and I are moving in together, officially, to an apartment in Savannah, GA. I am unbelievably excited and I have the feeling it's too good to be true. I feel like I'm going to wake up suddenly and be back in high school (even though I've only been out for 2 weeks). I'm afraid that something will go terribly wrong and the apartment will get bombed or closed for toxic waste exposure. I have never felt this good in my life about anything. This is what I've always wanted, in a perfect apartment, in the perfect city, with the perfect partner in crime- who is madly in love with me, but not even close to how much I love her. Our bunny Alice, chinchilla Frippy, and hamster Max are all coming. We're going to be a family.

It's going to be hard, but so worth it :)
Ah. I'll try to keep this more updated as the days go by. I'm upset with myself on how much I've let this go.
Whatevz.

Swallow your pride because silence is golden, and I wouldn't pay a penny to hear your thoughts.

Its funny how things work. Its funny how you're gone and I'm happy, and you're back and I'm just alright. Maybe I was wrong everything I said to my therapist. Maybe this isn't the right place for me. But a new question poses; what is? I've yet to find a place where I'm 100% comfortable, happy, and loved. Maybe I'll need to make my own home for that. Maybe I'll need to move far away and rent an apartment, and furnish it myself. Find a new meaning to "home is where the heart is".
See, that saying is tricky because I'm the type of person to leave my heart everywhere. Its in the decorations of my room, my hamster, my smells, every stain on the sink and food that's bought for me. It's in my dog because all 5 of us picked him out. I'm in every decision that someone stops and thinks about because I've made some sort of impact on them. It's my heart. It's just the way I am, and the way I'm always going to be. This is not my home though. Neither was with my parents (I don't think). Theres no real way to tell.
I guess that apartment in Savannah will just be the test. I mean, I'm going there regardless, but maybe that will be my home. Maybe we'll (yes, WE'll) be comfortable there, more so than we've ever been before. Maybe it's just what I'm looking for. Some people spend their whole lives waiting to get out of high school and the bullshit of being a kid, so I'm praying to heaven that I'm one of those people, because I swear I can't live like this. I don't want to feel like this for all of my life. I just want to be fucking happy. I'm so close I can taste it.
By the way, I love you, Kara Marie Jones.
That apartment is calling our name :)

My ears are blown to bits from all the rifle hits, but I still crave that sound.

It's incredible what a good night's sleep will do for you. Or maybe other factors play in, but still.
This is what I was going to post here last night:

I'm sick. I'm sick and tired. I'm shaking. I'm sick of a whole lot of things. I'm sick of working every day of the weekend. I'm sick of stealing everything and risking going to jail for it, but still managing to be broke. I'm sick of making more new enemies than friends these days. I'm sick of being angry at people rather than happy, and I'm sick of finding the bad in people rather than good. I'm sick of Home Bound and walking alone in the hallways. I'm sick of people letting mental illnesses as an excuse, an letting it define them. "Sorry, I'm ADHD! I can't help it!". Yes you can, just stop yelling. I'm sick of always being in a daze and not realizing what I'm doing until I want to be doing something else. I'm sick of YOU and your lying. I'm sick of his lies being believed by the one person I want validation from the most. I miss sleeping alone. I miss my dog and my sisters. I miss Cape Cod chips and being shopped for. I'm sick of feeling like this. I'm feeling like sticking someone in the face.

Well, that seems like forever ago now. I feel better. Just 12 short hours and I feel much better. I've got the new Vampire Weekend pumping through my earphones that need replacing, and I'm really hungry. Other then that I'm great. I'm excited for this afternoon and all the calm and happiness that comes from it. You were right when you said that everything's okay, and that was the first time I've felt like that in a long time. I've been perfectly happy otherwise. You were right when you said that if things were different, I'd be feeling like that almost every day. That's true. That's what makes it hurt even worse. Its a little crack in my perfect snow globe of a world now.
I like where I am. And honestly, fuck what you've heard. You were lied to. I know the "lots of things being said" and all about them, and they're 95% untrue. There's no cult or kidnapping or rash decisions. There's no neglect or crossfire or lack of communication. I know who thinks so but there's not much I can do about that. It's going to be like that forever, and I've just learned to know better. And I like it. I like the way I'm learning. I seem to be making some good decisions that are creating the progress I think is best for me. I think I learn better this way. I don't care what you think, I'll deal with it myself.

Oh, by the way I want to kill you.
Not really, but you better watch your back.

I can't seem to keep myself occupied in this class. I always finish things too early and just spend the rest of the time doing nothing. I want to go home. I want to stay home. This is such a waste of time.

I had a really great weekend, apart from 2 pretty major things. I miss Kara. Grounding is a terrible, cruel punishment to give to kids. I think it's ridiculous.
I just want my Kara back :(
Hate to say it though, what was done to receive the punishment was a blast. That was a really good night. I wish I had made better decisions though. Maybe just one in particular. Oh well.

I don't know how I've been feeling lately. I go through a lot of changes. Sometimes I'm good and sometimes I'm bad, and sometimes that's a good thing and sometimes that's a bad thing. I'm happy though. I really am.

I guess class is over. This is kinda pointless.

I hate you.