Friday, October 30, 2009
Monday, October 26, 2009
You had your chance.
I'm sick of this, there's no point anymore. The reason I did all of this in the first place is irrelevant, I still haven't returned to the normal Catie. I still haven't regained my life back. It feels completely useless to even try anymore, you've still got your hold on me. Maybe you're always going to.
You say you hate to be alone and you hate feeling like this, but what about me? All I can tell you is that "I'm sorry", but you never really ask why. I'm sorry you've become so dependent on me that even your own happiness depends on what I can do for you. I'm sorry that you've managed to completely shut out everyone but me from your life, and now you wonder why you don't have anyone. It's because you never picked up anyone's phone calls because you were talking to me or busy with me. You know what? That's fine, whatever. I guess that was the polite thing to do at the time. But you better make damn sure that I'm happy and I'm always going to be there for you before you do that. If you're going to make my life miserable and drive me away, you better make sure you have a back up plan.
You're in charge of your own happiness, and for a long time I didn't realize that. It wasn't until about a month ago that I did. So in an attempt to regain some happiness for myself, I told you the truth and what I really wanted to do. And I did it, but you just don't quite understand. I want to be myself and I want to do what I want. Call me selfish or call me wrong but I just want to do what I want to. Freedom. Whatever you want to call it. I want to be able to hang out with someone without question. Without being on edge all the time, wondering when I was going to be interrupted and have to stay on the phone for an hour, as if that hour was a reflection of my love for you. It always had to be more then an hour. I want to be able to go out with my family and make mistakes for myself, I don't need you riding on my coattails.
Sure, I've changed but don't you think I'm fucking allowed to? I'm 18 years old. I dont want my fate sealed anymore. Especially not with this.
I want to be myself. I want my own life. I want you to stop blaming me for your unhappiness because I never blamed you for mine. 2 fucking months I was driven crazy by it, but now I'm attempting to gain control and it's getting really difficult.
So do what you need to do, but don't you dare get in my way.
You say you hate to be alone and you hate feeling like this, but what about me? All I can tell you is that "I'm sorry", but you never really ask why. I'm sorry you've become so dependent on me that even your own happiness depends on what I can do for you. I'm sorry that you've managed to completely shut out everyone but me from your life, and now you wonder why you don't have anyone. It's because you never picked up anyone's phone calls because you were talking to me or busy with me. You know what? That's fine, whatever. I guess that was the polite thing to do at the time. But you better make damn sure that I'm happy and I'm always going to be there for you before you do that. If you're going to make my life miserable and drive me away, you better make sure you have a back up plan.
You're in charge of your own happiness, and for a long time I didn't realize that. It wasn't until about a month ago that I did. So in an attempt to regain some happiness for myself, I told you the truth and what I really wanted to do. And I did it, but you just don't quite understand. I want to be myself and I want to do what I want. Call me selfish or call me wrong but I just want to do what I want to. Freedom. Whatever you want to call it. I want to be able to hang out with someone without question. Without being on edge all the time, wondering when I was going to be interrupted and have to stay on the phone for an hour, as if that hour was a reflection of my love for you. It always had to be more then an hour. I want to be able to go out with my family and make mistakes for myself, I don't need you riding on my coattails.
Sure, I've changed but don't you think I'm fucking allowed to? I'm 18 years old. I dont want my fate sealed anymore. Especially not with this.
I want to be myself. I want my own life. I want you to stop blaming me for your unhappiness because I never blamed you for mine. 2 fucking months I was driven crazy by it, but now I'm attempting to gain control and it's getting really difficult.
So do what you need to do, but don't you dare get in my way.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Thousands of eyes live in our walls. And now they can see just what we've done.
So yes, I'm going to blog about this. I feel like it. I mean, the whole idea of this is to do what I want, to do whats best for me, and I want to blog.
I want to be happy and I want to feel numb at the same time. I want to feel so numb that I am happy. Maybe thats the problem. I'm actually hoping thats the problem.
This makes no sense,
and this is so stupid.
Who blogs about shit like this? ha.
I do.
Goodnight.
I want to be happy and I want to feel numb at the same time. I want to feel so numb that I am happy. Maybe thats the problem. I'm actually hoping thats the problem.
This makes no sense,
and this is so stupid.
Who blogs about shit like this? ha.
I do.
Goodnight.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
And we would laugh, laugh till we cry. Making a song, making me lie.
I'm on a huge KOL/Pearl Jam/Yeah Yeah Yeahs/The American Analog Set/Regina Spektor binge. I refuse to listen to anything else.
The Silversun Pickups & Cage the Elephant concert is in 3 and a half days and I'm so unbelievably excited. Words can't even say. I hope I have enough money. I forgot the number to call if I need to check my credit card balance. I WOULD program in into my phone but I got that taken away weeks ago, it seems. I know it wasn't "weeks". Maybe just 2. But who knows.
I want it back. I feel bad for people who have been trying to reach me, like Jose who I really wanted to see. But I really can't get in touch with him. Whatever. I have my own things to worry about that take top priority.
I don't know what I'm doing. You make me weak; I'm powerless around you.
I dyed my hair for the first time in a loooong while. I want to change, for more than just the physical aspect. I want to change myself. Not that I'm unhappy, because I'm the happiest I've been in such a freaking long time. But just so I can look in the mirror and not see the same old Catie. Maybe that's why I was so obsessed with it 8th-11th grade. I wanted to see something different with myself. No matter what was going on around me, I would look different, therefore being perceived differently.
October 7: SSPU+Cage the Elephant
October 10: SAT
October 16: Where the Wild Things Are
October 26-30: Charleston? I hope.
October 31: Favorite holiday :)
It's going to be a great month.
The Silversun Pickups & Cage the Elephant concert is in 3 and a half days and I'm so unbelievably excited. Words can't even say. I hope I have enough money. I forgot the number to call if I need to check my credit card balance. I WOULD program in into my phone but I got that taken away weeks ago, it seems. I know it wasn't "weeks". Maybe just 2. But who knows.
I want it back. I feel bad for people who have been trying to reach me, like Jose who I really wanted to see. But I really can't get in touch with him. Whatever. I have my own things to worry about that take top priority.
I don't know what I'm doing. You make me weak; I'm powerless around you.
I dyed my hair for the first time in a loooong while. I want to change, for more than just the physical aspect. I want to change myself. Not that I'm unhappy, because I'm the happiest I've been in such a freaking long time. But just so I can look in the mirror and not see the same old Catie. Maybe that's why I was so obsessed with it 8th-11th grade. I wanted to see something different with myself. No matter what was going on around me, I would look different, therefore being perceived differently.
October 7: SSPU+Cage the Elephant
October 10: SAT
October 16: Where the Wild Things Are
October 26-30: Charleston? I hope.
October 31: Favorite holiday :)
It's going to be a great month.
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