Dont need no surgery, take those knives away from me. Just want to die in my own body. A ghost just needs a home.

I'm 18, in love, and breathing. What more could I ask for? I could ask for some Chinese food. A car. More than 1 night allowed out a week. A pet cat. More clothes. More money. More time.
I'm in a slump.
I need a trip for 5 days or so. With you.
Not the stupid Disney camping trip my family wants to take in December. Gag me.

I'm also asking for whoever reads this to give me a list of some good music to download. I'm in a slump with that too. Maybe thats just what I need. Something to listen to. To relax with.
I guess we'll see.

More later.

Feeling spaced, breathing out Listerine.

I'm scared. I keep hearing voices but I know everyones asleep. Putting that into words on the screen scares me even more. I don't know what it is. I don't know how to explain it. I want it to stop.
First week of school is over. 34 more to go. That doesn't seem so bad. I can make it.
I think my heart is going to stop. I'm fucking scared out of my mind.

Wake up and read this before morning,
and call me.

I need to talk to someone.
Not something I hear that isn't really there.
Not someone who stops in the middle to go attend to something else. That makes me even more scared to be here by myself.

Okay,
Goodnight.

Keep breathing, keep searching.

Well, this is it. My final year of high school begins in 11 hours. I turn 18 in 2 weeks and 3 days. Things are finally happening. I'm feeling pretty great. Thinking a lot. I have a lot of stuff to do; stuff to get straight. Stuff to decide. It feels so strange. I feel like I've been looking forward to this time in my life since I turned 13. At the same time, it's all come at once. I don't know if I'm ready. I don't know if I want it to be here it all. It's all so real.
I'm not ready. I'm NOT ready.

But I need to be. I don't think I'm going to sleep tonight.

When I look in your eyes, what am I supposed to do?

I'm in Maine. It's cold and foggy and I don't get cell phone service very well. I like being with my family; relaxing, thinking. I'd much rather be with you though. I miss the heat that I've spent a majority of the summer complaining about. I want to go back to this time last week, and make you hide away in my suitcase so you'd be here with me. I want you to see all this. It's beautiful. But I miss you more then you ever know. I hear it raining, but maybe the sound is just in my mind. I am the goddess of weather, you know. I change it to my emotions. Today fits. I can't wait to come home. You have the most beautiful smile I've ever seen. Really. No paid model could ever compete with you. I want to hold you again. It feels like it's been years. Not good. I'm lonely. My grandma's lipstick greased kisses are nothing to yours. And it's cold. I need you to warm me up. You don't even have to be physically close to me to do that. I have 8 more days of this, until I can see you again. I can't wait.
I mean, this is nice.
But you're nicer.

A moment of silence, please, for those who never get the chance.

I'm leaving for 2 weeks in 4 days.
I don't want to leave. I tried making a deal with my mom, but I'm still gonna go. She's promised me a lot of things though, so I'm not letting her ignore that. I'm not letting her ruin my next 4 days either. I don't care if it's my sister's birthday. I'm enjoying myself.
Wow, I'm selfish.

I want a car. I want to pick you up. I don't know how I'll see you today.
Maybe I can get a ride or something.

I'm in love with the band Foreign Born. I've been listening to them almost constantly since yesterday. Along with Streetlight Manifesto. I'm trying to figure out the song that I fell to, but sadly I don't remember much of that moment. I wish I could take it back. Whatever.

I decided that I'm going to convince my mom to let me text on this trip. That way I can keep in contact with people a little better. I think that's why I hate family vacations so much. I don't want to miss anything. And I feel like I won't be able to...protect you? I know that's not it. But I think that's the best way to put it into words.

I hate myself. I'm a stupid, bad friend. I can't believe I did that. It's not your fault by any means. I'm an adult, I can make my own decisions. And boy, did I. I made one that fucked it up for everyone. For Cody, for your mom, and you. As much as you say it didn't, it did. So much money was wasted. Fucking $2249 was spent on me in one day, and that's not counting all the useless stuff we bought at the show. I don't even want to be reminded of it. I lied when I said I really wanted to have a tee-shirt. I was just hoping you'd stay and salvage what's left of the day; of the summer. I'm so fucking stupid. I've never, ever felt this low in my life. I will never forgive myself and I'll never live this down. I really hate myself right now. It's scary.
I'm leaving in 5 days for a two week vacation with my family, and I thought that maybe things would be okay if I had Warped to think of. To be like "Well, it's okay that I'm here because Warped was so fun, and my best friends had a good time". God, I'm so stupid. And no one even cared to check up on me. Stupid Melanie couldn't even pick up her phone when I was in the medical tent. All I wanted was for her to come and say "hi" before I left. I was excited for her to be there. But no.
Now it's 5 days of hanging around before I'm gone for 2 weeks. 2 weeks of having to expain to my relatives how it happened, and my mom cackling over me. This was supposed to be the best summer ever. My last real summer of high school.
I had been looking forward to that the whole time. ALL FUCKING SUMMER. That was our thing. We didn't go on any trips. We barely broke into the list of things we wanted to this year. Warped was one of the things. I don't even think it's worth it to cross it off the list. We waited in line longer then we were there. I hate this.
I need to get out of here.
I don't think this is a funny story I can tell people when I grow up. This isn't something we'll laugh about later. This isn't something that I've learned a lesson from. Yeah, I've learned that I'm a stupid, selfish, compulsive, awful friend.
$2249, a hospital trip, 5 hours there, 5 hours back, Warped tour tickets, 2 1/2 hours standing in line, not to mention all the worrying and effort...all wasted on me. fuck.

I wish you would call me.
Maybe I'll just call you. No. It's early.

I won't.
I've ruined enough things already.
I don't want to make you stop dreaming just to listen to me.

I want Moe's.

Tonight was really, really fun.
I can't wait for tomorrow.

Hm,
okay. Bye.