Swallow your pride because silence is golden, and I wouldn't pay a penny to hear your thoughts.

Its funny how things work. Its funny how you're gone and I'm happy, and you're back and I'm just alright. Maybe I was wrong everything I said to my therapist. Maybe this isn't the right place for me. But a new question poses; what is? I've yet to find a place where I'm 100% comfortable, happy, and loved. Maybe I'll need to make my own home for that. Maybe I'll need to move far away and rent an apartment, and furnish it myself. Find a new meaning to "home is where the heart is".
See, that saying is tricky because I'm the type of person to leave my heart everywhere. Its in the decorations of my room, my hamster, my smells, every stain on the sink and food that's bought for me. It's in my dog because all 5 of us picked him out. I'm in every decision that someone stops and thinks about because I've made some sort of impact on them. It's my heart. It's just the way I am, and the way I'm always going to be. This is not my home though. Neither was with my parents (I don't think). Theres no real way to tell.
I guess that apartment in Savannah will just be the test. I mean, I'm going there regardless, but maybe that will be my home. Maybe we'll (yes, WE'll) be comfortable there, more so than we've ever been before. Maybe it's just what I'm looking for. Some people spend their whole lives waiting to get out of high school and the bullshit of being a kid, so I'm praying to heaven that I'm one of those people, because I swear I can't live like this. I don't want to feel like this for all of my life. I just want to be fucking happy. I'm so close I can taste it.
By the way, I love you, Kara Marie Jones.
That apartment is calling our name :)

My ears are blown to bits from all the rifle hits, but I still crave that sound.

It's incredible what a good night's sleep will do for you. Or maybe other factors play in, but still.
This is what I was going to post here last night:

I'm sick. I'm sick and tired. I'm shaking. I'm sick of a whole lot of things. I'm sick of working every day of the weekend. I'm sick of stealing everything and risking going to jail for it, but still managing to be broke. I'm sick of making more new enemies than friends these days. I'm sick of being angry at people rather than happy, and I'm sick of finding the bad in people rather than good. I'm sick of Home Bound and walking alone in the hallways. I'm sick of people letting mental illnesses as an excuse, an letting it define them. "Sorry, I'm ADHD! I can't help it!". Yes you can, just stop yelling. I'm sick of always being in a daze and not realizing what I'm doing until I want to be doing something else. I'm sick of YOU and your lying. I'm sick of his lies being believed by the one person I want validation from the most. I miss sleeping alone. I miss my dog and my sisters. I miss Cape Cod chips and being shopped for. I'm sick of feeling like this. I'm feeling like sticking someone in the face.

Well, that seems like forever ago now. I feel better. Just 12 short hours and I feel much better. I've got the new Vampire Weekend pumping through my earphones that need replacing, and I'm really hungry. Other then that I'm great. I'm excited for this afternoon and all the calm and happiness that comes from it. You were right when you said that everything's okay, and that was the first time I've felt like that in a long time. I've been perfectly happy otherwise. You were right when you said that if things were different, I'd be feeling like that almost every day. That's true. That's what makes it hurt even worse. Its a little crack in my perfect snow globe of a world now.
I like where I am. And honestly, fuck what you've heard. You were lied to. I know the "lots of things being said" and all about them, and they're 95% untrue. There's no cult or kidnapping or rash decisions. There's no neglect or crossfire or lack of communication. I know who thinks so but there's not much I can do about that. It's going to be like that forever, and I've just learned to know better. And I like it. I like the way I'm learning. I seem to be making some good decisions that are creating the progress I think is best for me. I think I learn better this way. I don't care what you think, I'll deal with it myself.

Oh, by the way I want to kill you.
Not really, but you better watch your back.

I can't seem to keep myself occupied in this class. I always finish things too early and just spend the rest of the time doing nothing. I want to go home. I want to stay home. This is such a waste of time.

I had a really great weekend, apart from 2 pretty major things. I miss Kara. Grounding is a terrible, cruel punishment to give to kids. I think it's ridiculous.
I just want my Kara back :(
Hate to say it though, what was done to receive the punishment was a blast. That was a really good night. I wish I had made better decisions though. Maybe just one in particular. Oh well.

I don't know how I've been feeling lately. I go through a lot of changes. Sometimes I'm good and sometimes I'm bad, and sometimes that's a good thing and sometimes that's a bad thing. I'm happy though. I really am.

I guess class is over. This is kinda pointless.

I hate you.

Anything to make you smile, it is my better side of you to admire.

It's been a merry, merry Christmas. Just a great December in general. Lots of memories and things to take note of, but never regret or want back. I've seriously learned so much. Even in 2009 in general. It's been a crazy year.
I can't even begin to recollect where I was this time last year. I remember my favorite gift was these blue boots that I was obsessed with, and I couldn't wait for Kara to come home from California to show them to her. I liked how I was then, but I like this better. I like the decisions I make and I like the way I think about things. I don't know. I just know that I'll never forget 2009.

ANYWAY things have been great. I'm on a path, a good one. I'm feeling comfortable, clear, and honest. I'm happy. And I love every horrible, painful, intolerable thing we've gone through because it was all worth it. The way we are when we're together and even the way we are when we're alone, it's nice. I love it just the way it is.
I'm ready for 2010, when more days will be like yesterday and more feelings will be like the one I've had for a week. I'm in love :) again!

This is for Kara, because we missed it when we were getting popcorn.

If you're such a poet, use your tongue and show it.

I kinda wish I could plunge myself into this lifestyle you've made for yourself. But without everyone laughing at me behind my back. Always forgetting what I did the day before and never really having a plan or a promising future, and that's not a stab at you. Just go crazy, have a night where my thoughts dont control what I do. Make new friends.

I got back from Charleston a day ago. I want to go back, more than anything. I think I was made for a city, where you walk around everywhere. Its in my stride; I was walking just as fast as all the business people on their cellphones, and darting across the street with no problem at all. The new coat I got will never get worn here, it's too fashionable and expensive. It's disappointing. I want out of this shit-hole.
I mean, this trip seriously changed me. I cleaned my room and hung up all my clothes for the first time in...years. I've rearranged my room to look completely different. This fantasy world that I can live in; this little bubble in the middle of my real life. I want to live by myself in Charleston or New York. And study and cook and socialize and shop. I feel like no one really gets that.
Ah, my plans for the 28th. They've all hopelessly fallen through, which makes me so upset. I want to 1) to have a little bit more of Charleston time and 2) to see that show. All of my concert experiences have been let-downs. Warped, Siversun Pickups...Just saying. But Band of Horses is amazing. I'd love to see them live. I hope something works out.

I don't like the way this is going already. Maybe its too soon to tell. Or maybe it's in too deep. I'm terrified.



Goodnight, all.

Motion City Soundtrack, This Providence, Set Your Goals, and The Swellers February 6th :D

woo.

This is all I have! Its my life.

Yesterday I made series of decisions that have greatly affected my life, and frankly, I'm proud of them. I made them myself without anyone else's help. I hope things have taken a turn for the better.