Really interesting dream last night.
Making me think.

I am the end of the world.

Its so entertaining to watch people fall apart right in front of my eyes. Sometimes, like in the particular one I'm thinking of, I want to destroy their world. Just rock it to the core and make them be who they used to be. I want to tell their parents and get them in so much trouble, they never do acid or meth or anything again. I feel, honestly, personally insulted that they could stand in front of me and talk so much shit about Ronie, then be like "Yeah, I'm with Ronie" 4 hours later. I feel betrayed? almost. Because this someone's girlfriend shouldn't be concerned about Ronie, but her girlfriend in fact. Girlfriend's the one sneaking around when she's at work doing, I don't know, meth? Whatever.
The other side of me is so happy. It makes me angry when (ex)friends of mine do something that doesn't fit in with my crazy, selfish view of how my life should be, but a lot of the time it makes me happy. It makes me feel good that they're actually bad people and I am SO GLAD we're moving to Savannah. I can make decent friends who don't care about acid or drinking or sucking dicks, and everything isn't the end of the world when it takes 2 seconds to fix. I think this might be my #2 reason for my anticipation for Savannah. #1 is my gurl. Who I love very much. Baby, I am so glad we're out of high school.
I honestly think that graduation changed me. I feel better about myself with every decision I make, penny I earn, and person I make happy. I feel like an adult finally, more than my 18th birthday ever could. I'm budgeting and saving money, and thinking about the future FOR REAL for the first time ever. The apartment we've been dreaming finally has an address and beige walls. It's amazing. Its going to be a good, no, great life.

I'm loving Attack Attack!'s new album, which is going thru the speakers this very second. "Smokahontas", in fact. Great stuff. So is We Came as Romans. I can't believe I've gone so long not listening to them. I just assumed they were bad. I don't know why.
This reminds me of Badlyn, which reminds me of how I have to look at the lineup for Warped 2010. He's a good friend :) Kara and I get to go to Warped this year! Which will be awesome.

1. Attack Attack
2. Andrew W.K.
3. Four Year Strong
4. I Can Make A Mess Like Nobodys Business
5. Reel Big Fish
and
6. Set Your Goals

are all must see's for me. I dont know about anyone else, but this year kinda stinks. Last year I had twice that many bands I wanted to see. I guess it's okay though because these are six bands I REALLY want to see. I mean REALLY. Ha, looking through my old list, I dont know why the heck I put TV/TV on there. They suck.

Attack Attack! is going to be sooooo gooooooood. And I won't hit my head again, I promise.

Hooray! :)

I dont need a number, I just want to dance with my shirt off.

Its 10:06 and I got off work at Pier One half-an-hour ago. This is my last week there. I've taken a job at a sketchy surf shop on the south end to hopefully get some cash before September.
I want to sand down a dresser I've received from an old roomate and make it beautiful and white to match my other furniture. Excuse me, "our" other furniture :)
You see, in 2 months and 13 days, the love of my life and I are moving in together, officially, to an apartment in Savannah, GA. I am unbelievably excited and I have the feeling it's too good to be true. I feel like I'm going to wake up suddenly and be back in high school (even though I've only been out for 2 weeks). I'm afraid that something will go terribly wrong and the apartment will get bombed or closed for toxic waste exposure. I have never felt this good in my life about anything. This is what I've always wanted, in a perfect apartment, in the perfect city, with the perfect partner in crime- who is madly in love with me, but not even close to how much I love her. Our bunny Alice, chinchilla Frippy, and hamster Max are all coming. We're going to be a family.

It's going to be hard, but so worth it :)
Ah. I'll try to keep this more updated as the days go by. I'm upset with myself on how much I've let this go.
Whatevz.

Swallow your pride because silence is golden, and I wouldn't pay a penny to hear your thoughts.

Its funny how things work. Its funny how you're gone and I'm happy, and you're back and I'm just alright. Maybe I was wrong everything I said to my therapist. Maybe this isn't the right place for me. But a new question poses; what is? I've yet to find a place where I'm 100% comfortable, happy, and loved. Maybe I'll need to make my own home for that. Maybe I'll need to move far away and rent an apartment, and furnish it myself. Find a new meaning to "home is where the heart is".
See, that saying is tricky because I'm the type of person to leave my heart everywhere. Its in the decorations of my room, my hamster, my smells, every stain on the sink and food that's bought for me. It's in my dog because all 5 of us picked him out. I'm in every decision that someone stops and thinks about because I've made some sort of impact on them. It's my heart. It's just the way I am, and the way I'm always going to be. This is not my home though. Neither was with my parents (I don't think). Theres no real way to tell.
I guess that apartment in Savannah will just be the test. I mean, I'm going there regardless, but maybe that will be my home. Maybe we'll (yes, WE'll) be comfortable there, more so than we've ever been before. Maybe it's just what I'm looking for. Some people spend their whole lives waiting to get out of high school and the bullshit of being a kid, so I'm praying to heaven that I'm one of those people, because I swear I can't live like this. I don't want to feel like this for all of my life. I just want to be fucking happy. I'm so close I can taste it.
By the way, I love you, Kara Marie Jones.
That apartment is calling our name :)

My ears are blown to bits from all the rifle hits, but I still crave that sound.

It's incredible what a good night's sleep will do for you. Or maybe other factors play in, but still.
This is what I was going to post here last night:

I'm sick. I'm sick and tired. I'm shaking. I'm sick of a whole lot of things. I'm sick of working every day of the weekend. I'm sick of stealing everything and risking going to jail for it, but still managing to be broke. I'm sick of making more new enemies than friends these days. I'm sick of being angry at people rather than happy, and I'm sick of finding the bad in people rather than good. I'm sick of Home Bound and walking alone in the hallways. I'm sick of people letting mental illnesses as an excuse, an letting it define them. "Sorry, I'm ADHD! I can't help it!". Yes you can, just stop yelling. I'm sick of always being in a daze and not realizing what I'm doing until I want to be doing something else. I'm sick of YOU and your lying. I'm sick of his lies being believed by the one person I want validation from the most. I miss sleeping alone. I miss my dog and my sisters. I miss Cape Cod chips and being shopped for. I'm sick of feeling like this. I'm feeling like sticking someone in the face.

Well, that seems like forever ago now. I feel better. Just 12 short hours and I feel much better. I've got the new Vampire Weekend pumping through my earphones that need replacing, and I'm really hungry. Other then that I'm great. I'm excited for this afternoon and all the calm and happiness that comes from it. You were right when you said that everything's okay, and that was the first time I've felt like that in a long time. I've been perfectly happy otherwise. You were right when you said that if things were different, I'd be feeling like that almost every day. That's true. That's what makes it hurt even worse. Its a little crack in my perfect snow globe of a world now.
I like where I am. And honestly, fuck what you've heard. You were lied to. I know the "lots of things being said" and all about them, and they're 95% untrue. There's no cult or kidnapping or rash decisions. There's no neglect or crossfire or lack of communication. I know who thinks so but there's not much I can do about that. It's going to be like that forever, and I've just learned to know better. And I like it. I like the way I'm learning. I seem to be making some good decisions that are creating the progress I think is best for me. I think I learn better this way. I don't care what you think, I'll deal with it myself.

Oh, by the way I want to kill you.
Not really, but you better watch your back.

I can't seem to keep myself occupied in this class. I always finish things too early and just spend the rest of the time doing nothing. I want to go home. I want to stay home. This is such a waste of time.

I had a really great weekend, apart from 2 pretty major things. I miss Kara. Grounding is a terrible, cruel punishment to give to kids. I think it's ridiculous.
I just want my Kara back :(
Hate to say it though, what was done to receive the punishment was a blast. That was a really good night. I wish I had made better decisions though. Maybe just one in particular. Oh well.

I don't know how I've been feeling lately. I go through a lot of changes. Sometimes I'm good and sometimes I'm bad, and sometimes that's a good thing and sometimes that's a bad thing. I'm happy though. I really am.

I guess class is over. This is kinda pointless.

I hate you.

Anything to make you smile, it is my better side of you to admire.

It's been a merry, merry Christmas. Just a great December in general. Lots of memories and things to take note of, but never regret or want back. I've seriously learned so much. Even in 2009 in general. It's been a crazy year.
I can't even begin to recollect where I was this time last year. I remember my favorite gift was these blue boots that I was obsessed with, and I couldn't wait for Kara to come home from California to show them to her. I liked how I was then, but I like this better. I like the decisions I make and I like the way I think about things. I don't know. I just know that I'll never forget 2009.

ANYWAY things have been great. I'm on a path, a good one. I'm feeling comfortable, clear, and honest. I'm happy. And I love every horrible, painful, intolerable thing we've gone through because it was all worth it. The way we are when we're together and even the way we are when we're alone, it's nice. I love it just the way it is.
I'm ready for 2010, when more days will be like yesterday and more feelings will be like the one I've had for a week. I'm in love :) again!

This is for Kara, because we missed it when we were getting popcorn.